Pregnancy and BPD. It’s Not All Shits And Giggles

Pregnancy and BPD. It’s Not All Shits And Giggles

Last year I went through lots of tests and procedures in hospital, myself and my partner were then referred to a fertility clinic because I was told I had problems with my Fallopian tubes, because they were badly damaged and I had some other problems that were causing me a lot of pain. At one point I was told to get a hysterectomy as it’s the only way to stop the pain, I have an 11-year-old daughter but I was just 28 I didn’t want to turn off my ovaries just like that, it didn’t feel like the right thing to do even though I knew I would have to face facts that I may not be able to have another baby.  After so much bad news we received the final blow, my partner had zero sperm. We were told that I would need to lose 4 stone and pay for any further treatment as there was nothing available for us. We were devastated but we decided to accept the fact that it wasnt meant to be, we couldn’t put our relationship under that kind of tress and I had suffered after each appointment with my mental health and it was really having a big impact on the way I was feeling.

We went away in November and decided that would be it, we would come back and keep creating a better life for the 3 of us and we would travel more as its my favourite thing in the world! We booked a multi centre holiday to Thailand, Hong King & Dubai to take our minds of everything and I took time to convince myself that life would be better if i didn’t have another baby anyway, that there was so many more opportunities for us and my daughter was all grown up so we had it good,

I decided to tackle my weight, first of all my medication was a big factor in this so I started coming ff my pregabalin (lyrica) 75ml at a time, I had heard everywhere that this wasnt a good idea but my psychologist insisted this would be a great idea and I wouldn’t need it much longer anyway. She also told me not to take the anti depressant I had been given as it’s not a good idea to start a new therapy and new medication at the same time, so them being the ‘professionals’ that’s exactly what I did.

The withdrawal was horrific, weeks of pain, feeling sick, no sleep, crippling anxiety, crying, depression, I couldn’t leave the house and was an emotional wreck. I was hoping it would get better but I haven’t been the same since. a few weeks later I was still in withdrawal and my medication had been halved by this time. I decided one morning after feeling really unwell that I would take a pregnancy test, low and behold it was positive! (and so was the next one)

We couldn’t believe our luck! for the first few days it was so exciting! Then I began to worry as it was so early, I cried every time I had eaten something or done something that might affect the baby. We had a 7 week scan and it was a tiny dot. Then a few days later.. everything turned upside down.

With me already being so mentally unstable and the shock of everything, anxiety and the black cloud took over…I began to dread the whole thing, I hated myself, I hated my life and as awful as it may sound I resented the baby for making me feel this way. I was hysterical every day for weeks, I was self harming and eventually became suicidal. I was so distraught by my situation i was in the worst state I have seen myself in…probably ever actually. I cried hysterically day and night, I didn’t want to have the baby I thought it had ruined my life, I couldn’t see myself as a mother again, I couldn’t fit a baby into my life.

Deep down I kept telling myself  ‘you tried for 2 years for a baby, you must have thought a baby would fit into your life somewhere for all that time!‘ I didn’t understand why everything seemed different now, I felt doomed I was trapped as my partner was overjoyed and hasn’t got any children, so I didn’t want to hurt him but I was sure something had to give, it was a case of my sanity of the baby. Ir reached out to the mental heath team desperate for help, they made an appointment and told me to come of my medication straight away because of the pregnancy! I said that I couldn’t stop my medication, I had been so ill for weeks just reducing it and that I am suicidal so don’t think it’s the best idea, it would be more of a risk and I couldn’t possibly  feel any worse than I already did as I wouldn’t have coped.

The psychiatrist told me I shouldn’t have listened to the psychologist in the fist place with regards to medication, that it’s not her job..how was I to know that? I trusted the professionals.

I was referred to the perinatal team (Mother and Baby Mental Health Service) and was told I would be on a waiting list for 2 months before an appointment. They didn’t understand, it would be too late by then, I was ready to terminate the baby I had waited so long for. I begged and cried like never before. I was self harming more and suicidal thoughts were constant. I called the crisis team every time I was hysterical, at one point it was 3 days in a row, they promised to help me and kept referring me to the CMHT (community mental health team) who then kept repeating that the only person that could help me in the whole country was Doctor Cairns, the Perinatal doctor.

Getting through to this doctor was like purchasing rocking hose poop, it was impossible. I went on to write down all my symptoms I was experience, I was having bad  dissociation episodes and I hated every aspect of my life. To gain help I wrote out notes from an assessment that I done on myself so that I was giving them as much info as possible to allow them to help me in the best way, it was my only option.

Lets see what you make of this: Here is what I sent to them describing my feelings at the time and the hell I was going through, I was begging for help out of this hole:

My current situation 05/02/2017

 

  • Suddenly uncomfortable and unhappy in my home, I don’t want to be here anymore.
  • Hate everything about my home, have a bad feeling towards it
    Don’t want to sleep in my own bed or want to sit on my sofa – gives me an uneasy feeling
  • Smells that have been introduced to my house in the last few months trigger me to feel anxious for example a new spray we started to use – new ornaments or changes I have made to try to improve have been taken down
  • Panicking when I know I have to be in the house (after going away for the night I cried for 2 days and didn’t want tor return)
  • No pleasure in doing things
  • Coping techniques not working, cant distract myself
  • Feeling very confused and lost
  • Disconnected from everyone and everything
  • Spaced out, dissociating
  • No concentration
  • No feelings towards anyone or any excitement or other emotions just don’t feel there. I feel like there is something wrong, like I’m out of control and I don’t know myself
  • I feel like I have to move house desperately as I can’t bear to live here anymore – I loved my house a few months ago and spent a lot of time and money n it.
  • I can’t bring myself to talk about the baby or make plans
  • Scared as I don’t feel anything towards baby, I feel disconnected.
  • After trying for years and being told I was infertile, I was devastated I know how badly I wanted to be pregnant and had well thought it through. All of a sudden I don’t feel like that anymore? Doubts.
  • Nothing feels real, I just don’t feel like my life is mine and can’t put my finger on it. I thought I was happy months ago.
  • I haven’t been sleeping well
  • Suicidal thoughts, feel like everyone is better without me and that I just want it all to stop
  • Thoughts of termination as I don’t think I can handle all this. But this would put pressure on my relationship and hurt my supportive partner and I may regret it and suffer even more when I recover
  • I have an anxious, frightened feeling and I’m on autopilot the only think keeping me going is deep down I know I must have a routine for Emily and protect her and that I must have a font for my partner and to not hurt the baby.
  • When I look at photos from November I feel like that was me. I don’t know who I am now, I look and feel different and have different feelings, I can’t explain it very well but its like my mind is carrying on and my body is just working itself.
  • I feel like I’m going crazy,  I don’t know whats happening to me. I want to be excited and enjoy pregnancy, but I just feel it’s an inconvenience and I am scared of when the baby is born and how I will feel and cope..

Timeline of events leading to this time. 

I have recognised that I have felt like this before when I was going through my court case for historical abuse. I done treatment work on PTSD and dissociative disorder. I have looked back on my blog and have noticed similar feeling to now. I have written a timeline of significant things to identify the triggers or any similar trauma that could have affected me or created my problems.

  • Feb 2016:Abuser released from prison on my birthday (a year ago this Friday)

  • Throughout the year I had many problems with my health, and had a bad experience with a doctor when I told him my physical pain and he wouldn’t believe me and told me it was all in my head I struggled with my mental health and felt none could help me, it triggered an episode.
  • I was eventually treated and had an operation to remove my bowel from my ovaries and I was told I was infertile
  • There was mixed consultations to whether I could have children I we were told conflicting things and I was at one point told the only way to get rid of pain was a hysterectomy which I refused.
  • We went to fertility centre and went through treatment with them and told my partner had zero sperm and we had a difficult time and more episodes triggered
  • We eventually accepted that we couldn’t go on trying and put up with the strain it was having on our relationship and my health and decided not to have further treatment which was difficult
  • In November we went to Thailand for 3 weeks – I had family problems and realised that family relationships with my family weren’t what I thought
  • There was arguments and I felt alone and my mother ans sister hurt my feelings and I realised that again my expectations from the relationships were not reality, which was difficult for me to comprehend
  • I came back and started psychology – this opened up a can of worms, we began by talking about the secondary trauma from the court-case but seemed to focus on my bad relationship with my father. I was advised to stop pregabalin and not t take the antidepressants. At the end of the sessions as the psychologist couldn’t offer more I felt like I was leaft with ll these thoughts from things we had discussed, things about my past, and they were left not dealt with, I began feeling worse and I had come down off my pregabalin like she advised
  • I was really ill with withdrawal from taking 225mg less per day of pregabalin – this lasted weeks and I’ve never felt the same since. I had a low immune system so caught a flu and more illness
  • My car broke – I felt isolated and had already started to leave the house less and felt I was only safe and comfortable at home
  • I had a self employment meeting which I was so worried about, it led to a 3 week episode, which was really awful.
  • Found out I was pregnant – I was in shock and delighted for the first couple of days and then it all changed and I started to worry and have doubts and get confused about the situation and how it feels as I had accepted that I couldn’t have one. it is such a big change and I’m now suddenly confused and have no feeling. I am numb of all feelings and detached

 

Is that a normal situation? I carried n begging them for help and contacting the crisis team and anyone else I could to raise the alarm and get the support I needed, I was not going to commit suicide as I have  my daughter to look after  and I knew that I deep down did not want to terminate the baby. But in that state, what do I do?

I eventually was offered an emergency appointment a week later with this Dr Cairns. He spent the majority of an hour asking me about things that he had pulled from my records 7 years ago! Criminal history from when I was a child, I answered honestly to all questioned I cried as I spoke and I gave him my print out (as above) and explained my desperate situation. He told me and I quote

With Borderline Personality Disorder, There isn’t really any medication we can give to help it, there is not much we can do about it unfortunately.

I was so upset, by those words. Does that mean I’m fucked then? there’s no help whatsoever and because it’s a disorder that can’t be helped its tough luck? it’s not the first time I have heard words like these, it makes me wonder what they actually think of it. I instantly put my guard up. After speaking t him he was patronising and it was as if I was being dramatic and all the information I had given him wasnt relevant. I had a similar experience 2 years ago which can be found here .  On that occasion I wasnt wrong either, I had fertility problems and my ovaries were attached to my bowel causing so many problems..and that’s pretty much lead to where I am now.

I left the appointment with Dr Cairns after being told he would be in touch with some support. I heard nothing, from him or the mental health team.. I suffered, I hurt myself and I didn’t know what I could do we know we had to do this alone and just hope that I would get through it, but at the time I really didn’t think I would. I have not had an episode that lasted this long EVER. Which makes me think, is it prenatal depression? It didn’t feel like an episode, I recognise the symptoms and the cycle, this was something else altogether.

After 4 weeks or so, yes 4 weeks! of hearing nothing I received a letter from the perinatal team. I have never felt so insignificant as I did when I read it. it was a 2 page letter, the first 1 and a half pages were about things that had happened over 7 years ago! Which was a lifetime ago to me, Things move so fast in my life. Someone with BPD can relate to how long ago this was and how much will have happened and changed in that time. I was 21 for goodness sake, there was even details of a car accident I had been in 6 years ago. Why was it relevant to bring up my full psychiatric history and not deal with what was happening right now. In this letter his conclusion was basically
‘Had reasonable insight’

‘speech is normal’

She has experienced decompensation of her emotionally unstable disorder in the context of her psychotherapy uncovering historic traumas and then suddenly ending without resolution and acceptance of not having another child following a pregnancy’

‘There is clearly a risk that should her mental health deteriorate any more than there is a further risk of self harm but I don’t feel this is immediate’

Did he read any of my notes? Did he even listen to me? 

I felt ignored and still so upset and angry and that thee was no help for me, I had to keep on suffering alone. That letter sent me in another episode of despair, which also didn’t end well for me. I feel that I have been let down so much from the Mental Health team that I can’t trust them, they have messed with my head time and time again, they can’t be relied on, there’s not enough support or funding for them to help me.

Over the last few weeks through my depression I have managed to carry on with the support of my partner, I don’t have family around where I live  and I speak to my friend on a daily basis who has helped me talk things through each day until I was in a better place. I sought comfort and support from networking sites such as Netmums, where other mothers could give me advice and support and some guidance. it’s took a long time and I am still not in the light yet, though I’m now 4 month pregnant and can see clearer with regard s to the baby, It has finally sunk in and I am being practical about it. I am looking forward to finding out the sex on my next scan and when the baby comes I hope that it will all fall into place and I will love it like I love my daughter. I am constantly scared of not feeling connected to the baby again, as I grow my bump I feel more protective and I do worry about things like ‘what if I can’t do it?’ ‘what if i get ill’ but some say that this is me already being a good Mother and already thinking of whats best for my unborn child.

At the end of that letter the Doctor said that he would get me a CPN (community Psychiatric nurse) and a further appointment in 3 months time and that was that! This was February 24th. It’s now 27 March and 3 days ago I eventually got a call from his team to orange a CPN appointment, I made a complaint about my assessment and informed them I wasnt impressed with the outcome or the help I had received. I then received another letter from DR Cairns stating that I have rejected more help and didn’t find his assessment adequate therefore I am being discharged. Well thanks for that, Great support for mental health eh?

** Update**

I am now 5 month pregnant, I found out that I’m having a little boy and I seen him n the 4D scan, Finally my connection was there, I knew it had been all along but the black cloud of depression and mental health wouldn’t allow me to see it. I’m still struggling with the massive changes in my life but I’m on the mend mainly thanks to my husband. He has done everything he could for me to make me feel comfortable, support me and is constantly there to do as much as he can to get us through this. My older sister was messaged me everyday to reassure me that I would be OK and my friend is still like my therapist.. we are pregnant together so as you can imagine the messages of constant complaints, emotional support and those ‘Too Much Info’ messages are definitely for our eyes only.  I was failed once again by the mental health team a constantly live in fear of whether I’m going to be that mentally ill again soon, or if I will ever be myself again to be honest. I am looking forward to Junior coming along, I feel like I love him and want to protect him and can finally think positively about our future, I am glad I got through the first few months of the pregnancy, but I will always be disappointed I didn’t get to enjoy it and have peace of mind like other expectant mothers  do, the joys of Bordeline Personality Disorder.

I wanted to write this to show other people in my situation you are not alone, you shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling this way. It’s not all  shits and giggles. But it will get better, there is hope!

There is not enough help for mental health during pregnancy, I have recently seen campaigns about it so hopefully, If enough people speak up something will have to be done, In the meantime try and have some hope, even when you feel like there is no way out of the dark. Just keep soldiering on.  I do find myself feeling better about the pregnancy though I’m still very anxious and worrying, but not feeling so doom and gloom towards it. I noticed I started feeling even better when I could feel baby move, made it more real I suppose? Like he’s contacting me to say he is there. I also made myself talk about the pregnancy.  Even though deep down I knew it was what I’d wanted, I was very worried about telling people how I felt but telling them some of what I was feeling – shock, worry, stressed not some much the abortion part as I still feel incredibly guilty – they offered their support and finally the gender scan was my turning point.

I find just taking each day as it comes works best, and making sure you make time for yourself. I’ve started reading again and quite often disappear to bed early to lose myself in a book or a film. Still have the thoughts I started out with: is this the right decision? What’s going to happen after the birth? How will I cope with my mental health? If I’m feeling particularly bad I like to write it all down. Look at what I wrote and ask myself “What can I do to ease the worry?” And come up with a plan. I also think that they’re quite normal thoughts, it’s a big thing and I don’t think any to be parent doesn’t have these thoughts at least once.

I know the last thing you want to admit to people is that you’re not feeling ‘happy’ about this pregnancy but talking helps. Whether a stranger or your partner or a friend.

But take each day as it comes, and wait until you feel the first ‘flutters’  it helps when it starts feeling more real and the horrible tired sicky stage has passed.

All the best  to anyone who is experiencing the same.

Not everything that is faced can be changed, But nothing can be changed until its faced.

Not everything that is faced can be changed, But nothing can be changed until its faced.

It’s been a bittersweet month, I have had the saddest couple of weeks and the happiest, it’s a roller-coaster. I feel like what I can only relate to as a grieving process and it’s been exceptionally hard for me, although I have my partner and people around me I feel isolated, alone & misunderstood by  the people I love the most. It has been frustrating yet I have also had the most amazing time of my life with my partner who I finally a sense of belonging with, but my inability to cope with my BPD has become a huge burden.

I have recently been struggling and have relapsed, my family don’t know much about it or the extent of it or how it affects my daily life and I know they will never understand, I will never let them into that part of my life or show them those vulnerabilities. I feel sometimes when I do, it is used against me.  Other people seem to think everything is simple and I should just be grateful for what I have and not make things so complicated. I know it’s not as simple as that, my life with BPD and other mental heath problems, along with normal daily struggles &  everyday stresses is very complex.

I see things differently from others, I try so hard and I’m trying to learn how to accept not everybody loves and feels with the intensity like I do because of my BPD, not everyone has that intense empathy. I have come to realise my close relationships are no longer what I thought they once were, my place in my family isn’t what I thought it should be. I have always felt like I didn’t belong, I know they love me very much and If I needed them they would be there and I am grateful for this.

But realistically, I have come to see that they have totally different morals and priorities to me and how I thought we were meant to be with each other and that the loyalty and protection I offer, is sometime just one way.

I know that for myself I need to let go, to stop trying to be the one that is there for everyone as that way I will not feel let down when I don’t get the same treatment. I am trying to understand that sometimes my care and affection is not wanted nor my need to care recognised. I have had a false sense of my relationships and have struggled between what they are and what I want them to be. I definitely know that  I’m not the easiest person to love or to be around, but this confusion has caused me a lot of pain and more so recently, I am trying to learn how to deal with it.

As time has gone on and more things have happened with people I care about leaving me feel let down time and time again, or dismissing my feelings, putting other family members or loved ones before me but expecting me to put them first, I have begun to feel on the outside, invisible, sometimes excluded from the close bonds that formed between them.

They all seem to have some loyalty to certain others and hold them on a pedestal. No matter how much I go out of my way to try to keep them involved in my life, it is often thrown back in my face. If there is a problem, I will go out of my way to care for them and make them happy and sacrifice things, putting their feelings first, without them even knowing it because that’s just the way I was made, though its causing me more distress as time goes on.

Apparently because I have made an independent life for myself and put on a mask, some people seem to think I don’t need them as much as they need each other, which is hurtful. Sometimes this means I need them more. I know how pathetic that sounds but my need for reassurance and my constant craving to feel needed and wanted pains me and the loyalty I have for them is not returned.

I have  tried to snap out of feeling isolated, but kept noticing that they weren’t drawn to me at all, didn’t care about important occasions in my life, like they do for other members of the family and that my feeling, thoughts and needs didn’t seem to count.

Finally the dam broke on this trip away and I have spoken up about it a little bit to the family I am travelling with when there was a disagreement, but they reacted defensively, refusing to admit that when problems or misunderstanding arise that they were being unreasonable, accepting that their actions or reactions were a part of the problem or unnecessarily taking sides when it wasnt needed. I told them they were dismissing my feelings and I feel like they are pushing me out and protecting each other, it’s not always  me to blame though I wear my guilt on my sleeve and I take responsibility when I’m at fault.

This may seem a selfish way for me to react, but I feel for now, it is justified as it’s the final straw for me, everybody has their limits and to save my own sanity these issues need to be addressed. Expectation really has always been the root of my heartache.

But at home there is a lot that remains unsaid, I cannot carry on to always be the one that is always holding out the olive branch or trying to make an effort, whether right or wrong, ignoring my own feelings for the sake of someone else. Though I’m sure this will make me the bad guy when I do finally explode and I will then suffer from hearing the ‘typical her’ ‘ here we go again’ ‘just ignore her, she’s in one of her moods’

I have started to see things in others that I have chosen not to acknowledge before now. Selfishness, greed, ignorance and a lack of empathy and unwillingness to voluntarily help others. Which are things I cannot always relate to, because I tend to have the opposite of  these traits.

The dispute between my close ones has intensified as I continue to be defensive, I have felt evermore criticised and rejected. There has been a lot of things that have happened throughout my life, lots of rejection and situations that have led to this point.

Fed up,  I have given in and have started to snap and make people aware of their behaviours and that they are hurting me.  The hypersensitivity that BPD has then resulted in outbursts as I have let things build up, the hurt and the from those close to me that don’t love or think like I do and leads to feelings of rejection and isolation and in turn the focus becomes on my frustration and angry outburst which makes it difficult for me to address the initial problem and makes it easier for me and my mental health to become the blame for all problems, this then sets the stage for further sadness, anger, and fears of abandonment, which perpetuate the cycle of rejection and hostility.

My initial reaction is to cut everyone off, but I love my family and I know they love me, so for now I need to take a step back and get to grips with the way they are, I don’t have to like the way they choose to live or be to love them and vice versa.

We all don’t have to get on all the time. The times they have been their for me and helped me through or supported me, do not go unnoticed, I have had more crisis’ to deal with than your average person and I know that being there for me can becoming tiring. I am not disregarding that and as I’ve said before, I love my close ones dearly and I am certain that they love me to, that has never been in question. I have been trying to understand splitting more in order to help me understand the difference in how I view certain relationships.

Splitting is a very common defence mechanism in people with BPD, leading sufferers to view others, themselves and life events in all or nothing terms. Because of splitting, it is difficult for individuals with BPD to recognise that good people sometimes do things imperfectly or make mistakes. The experience of splitting is very confusing and frustrating for people with BPD and their loved ones. Splitting can interfere with relationships and work life, and can lead to intense anger and self-destructive behaviours.

I’m not ashamed to admit I have sought more help, I am back in the service and I  have begun seeing a new psychologist and I am looking forward to working with her as It’s not often that you can find someone to work with, who you can trust and relate to. I wanted to pen (or type) the things that I will be working on, I used to research and write more often and it helped me make sense of my jumble thoughts in my head causing me so much suffering and confusion, I haven’t slept for the last 2 nights so I thought I’d come back to my blog to help me vent and to gain a better understanding of why I may be feeling this way and how I am reacting to certain circumstances and situations that I am currently struggling with in my life in order for me to move on.

I will be publishing a number of subjects which I will be working on, and publishing my finding, so that I can draw on them when I need them.

These are some of the subjects I will be looking into that will hopefully help me overcome my latest difficulty:

  • Guilt & Shame
  • Complex Trauma and Secondary Trauma
  • Splitting
  • Acceptance

 

 

Today, I’m surviving.

Today, I’m surviving.

I havent wrote for a while, but I feel like I need to get this out as part of me moving on from this episode. I have had an awful week, it just isn’t getting any better. there is so much going on around me, really stressful things in my life. Money, friends, career, family & even the dreaded trauma feelings from historical abuse I suffered, has hit me like a ton of bricks as it’s nearing the abusers release date. It’s overwhelming me, I just don’t know how I’m coping.

Yesterday things took a turn for the worst for me, I recently wrote a post about the physical pain I was in and the problems I had been having with my doctor.. I was finally referred to the right people and I had a hospital appointment, When I got there I found out the reason for the discomfort and the problems I have been having trying to conceive..It turns out I have endometriosis. Which can cause infertility. I was faced with the options ‘try to conceive with a very slim chance and put up with the every day pain and discomfort or we can shut down the ovaries’ 😦

I have another appointment for MORE scans to check out the cysts on my ovaries and see if they will be removed and then I must have laparoscopy surgery to confirm the diagnosis and see if they can remove some of the tissue causing the problems conceiving, this may not be the case, but I am hoping this can be done aswell as the Cysts removed to increase my ‘slim’ chance of conceiving. I was informed after the surgery they would look into treatments for me. Though it doesn’t look good, I’m lucky enough to have been blessed with my daughter 10 years ago but that doesn’t take away the desperation I feel right now, It also means I’m unlikely to get fertility treatments and IVF with help from the National Health Service.

Along with everything else I am devastated, My Fiance (Yes Fiance..I got engaged!) is longing for a child and we now have to face the sad fact that I may not be able to provide him with one. Though he is so supportive, constantly reassuring me and tell me we will deal with it together and that I’m being crazy, he wants to marry me. I believe him. I can see he adores me, as can everyone that knows us personally.  But I know deep down how much a child was part of his plan and even though right now this is OK, will it still be OK in 5 years time If it comes to IVF and it doesn’t work? What then? My anxiety is taking over, I can’t look in ‘the now’ I can’t rationalise.

This has triggered another horrible feeling for me to deal with. I’ve come to realise how I am so attached and dependant on him. We are planning a wedding, a huge commitment that I am totally 100% committed to. But that’s the issue..what if something happened to him? I don’t know how I would live if he wasn’t with me, I couldn’t face this life alone.. even though I found the strength before, I never felt this attached or afraid. I get a separation anxiety when he’s not around, I just don’t feel at ease. The minute he comes through the door everything seems easier to cope with.

Even if we are having a disagreement, I still desperately need him around to feel OK. So now I’m worried in case my life is all going to crumble. I’m not doubting him or our relationship, we are solid. But that’s why this is crazy, why am I this upset and scared about something that might never happen? or might not even be an issue. I don’t want to hold back and keep a barrier up where he is concerned (a typical BPD thing to do) and to be honest its to late to take a step back. I can’t help thinking, what if it’s out of my hands? Im already afraid of the emotions I would have to face.

My head just feels like its exploding. On the outside I am wearing my mask, still going on auto pilot, not crying until I’m alone, trying to act normal, listening to other people’s problems and continue pretending I have everything under control. But I don’t, I have no idea what to do I have thoughts racing through my mind I am really distressed extremely anxious.

I’m not sure how much longer I can do this, It’s got to the point where the self-harm thoughts are coming because I’m so frustrated. I just feel angry and have a lot of self-pity. I want to scream and cry and hide away.. I am not hysterical enough to phone the Crisis team.. is this a crisis? or just an episode? Or a reaction to the build up of negativity?

I keep telling myself that I  have overcome these things before, I survived then and I will now. Thank God that I know how to use the self-help skills that I have learnt over the years, though even that’s a struggle. I’m so agitated I can’t even find the strength or enough focus to use some of my distraction skills that usually help me through. This time I’m running on hope, hope that it’s over soon. I feel very alone, I can’t tell no-one. I don’t know what to say. They won’t understand anyway. How can I explain something I don’t understand myself.?

I wake up on a morning and wait for bedtime, I don’t sleep well but in this state when I’m asleep, it’s the only time I escape my own head.  I recognise the cycle, how it happens, how I feel and what feeling will come next. I’m just so overwhelmed, my feelings are spiralling out of control. Yet, I’m still somehow surviving.

7 Types Of Annoying Facebook Couples..Are You One Of Them?

7 Types Of Annoying Facebook Couples..Are You One Of Them?

We’re so happy you found that special person to share your life with, it’s not easy and not everyone is as lucky as you. Its lovely to hear your getting on well and to know that your relationship is so perfect.. But seriously, give it a rest.

Sometimes you love something so much you want to shout it from your virtual rooftop and that’s understandable and its great honestly, but it gets on people’s  tits nerves!

Personally, I think it rings alarm bells when people need to declare their love constantly or live out their ups and downs publicly for all to see. That’s just my opinion.

Do you disagree? do you think it’s perfectly acceptable for people to constantly declare their love on Facebook making most of us cringe? Well I am afraid your probably a culprit yourself.

Here are a 7 examples of the worst offences…

The Milestoners

10 year anniversary, 1 week anniversary, birthdays, Christmas, New Year etc etc.

**** I love my Boy so much, Cant believe how far we have come. This has been an amazing year and we have so much to look forward to in the next one. I have never been happier. I am so lucky to be blessed with a boy like him <3<3<3 

The Declarers

**** I love You ❤

***No I love you baby, come back to bed

**** I love you more snugglekins, I’m just going to run a bath, join me 😉

Seriously, she can probably hear you if you said it out loud, she’s just in the other room.

The Checkerinerers

**** has just checked in at ‘The big bed with my boo’ with ***

**** has just checked in at ‘on the sofa watching a film’ with ***

Ahh thanks for letting us know! the suspense was killing us!

The On/ Off’ers

**** Is now Single

**** Is in a complicated relationship

**** Is Married to ***

**** Is now single

And so on and so on. Stop being so impulsive, give it at least a minute or two after an argument before you decide to be ‘free and single once again’

The Jokers

We all love an inside joke, but constant inside jokes between you and your partner are boring to look at. We all just think it’s some kind of weird sex thing you have going on.

**** Penguins LMAO <3<3<3

The Happy Snappers

A picture of you and your partner sharing a magical kiss or laughing together is adorable and really cute to see. But not daily, it’s putting us off our dinner. Oh and PLEASE stop with the pictures of you two ‘in the big bed’ not my idea of romance.

The Boring

****Excited  for TV and pizza night with the hubby!”

*** “Gunna cook a big dinner for the wife” 

Like you do every day? you certainly know how to spoil a girl!…actually shit, I watched TV last night… and at some point today I am going to eat dinner too! I should update my status so everyone can see how fun being single is.

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Gallery

Swinging; Are You Interested? Could You Do It? Do You Indulge?

Last night I watched an interesting documentary on swinging (Also known as partner swapping, wife swapping) I was fascinated to find that there are many different reasons people choose to take part in these activities. Some people are just curious and keen to explore to find out what all the fuss is about, some looking to experience new and exciting friendships with the view to fulfil their fantasies, some couples engage in these activities because they believe it will strengthen their relationships. When I decided to write this post I done a bit of snooping on the web and I was interested to find there are even websites dedicated to swingers, to help them meet other swingers like Swinger Nation Ireland there are chat rooms and forums where swingers openly speak about meet ups and other activities related to swinging.

Throughout the programme and my research on the subject this morning, one thing stood out to me, these couples maintained happy, strong relationships built on mutual understanding and in my opinion it seems the swinging was not seen as an act of sex but something fun to do with someone you love.

It also came to my attention that there were many single people females & males that took part in swinging and they were equally as involved as the couples. One lady spoke about how she generally despised the dating process and would rather meet at swinger parties/meetings where it is acceptable  to have sex on the spot with whoever they meet and feel attracted to.

I have always been very broad-minded and respect everyone’s lifestyle decisions.  I do understand  why swinging appeals to couples, as long as both partners are happy, its something you both want to explore and you can establish the difference between making love and having sex,  I say go for it!

So whats your take on swinging? Are you interested? Do you indulge? Have you tried it? 

Swinging

Pimping Your Online Dating Profile? Examples Of What To & What Not To Write In Your Profile.

Pimping Your Online Dating Profile? Examples Of What To & What Not To Write In Your Profile.

First of all take a look at a recent post I wrote How to Write The Perfect Profile And Things You Need To Know 

For those of you that are totally clueless, I have done some snooping and found some examples of the good, the bad and the avoid like the plague.

p.s I know some of these have lots of spelling mistakes, but they are as I found them!

good bad

The Bad:

Header: no time for time wasters..

i have facebook if ur interested in talking. i wont talk to people who r up there own a***s.. so seriously dont msg me if u love urself
* alot of people dont like abreviations.. i do it, get over it, not cos im lazy i just find it easier with a busy life like mine
looking to find some 1 who i can trust..
cant b botherd to write any thing else at the minute

The Basic:

My name is Mark I’m 32 years of age 6ft 8 in height, so very tall lol. My hobbies include Walking, Travelling, Listening to Music, Socialising. Looking for friendship maybe more

Please get in touch if you would like to know anything else.

The Honest:

I am an easy going sort of lad who does not take himself seriously, can be quiet but once you get to know me I never shut up lol. thoughtful, respectful reliable, and honesty are a few of my good points people would say.
I work as a chef been in the trade for fifteen years, so cooking would be another good point of mine. Outside the kitchen I like to a with friends and family, in between that I go to the gym also a keen runner or anything that gets me a sweat on.
Football is a big passion avid Newcastle United supporter.
The music that fuels my life is dance and indie don’t mind a bit of chart stuff to depending what it is. I like to think of myself as unique because hey arent we all and thats what makes this life worth living.

Anything else you want to know just drop me a message and we will take it from there.

Hope to hear from you soon.

The Weird &  Witty:

I have never owned a goat. I have absolutely no interest in them. Quite frankly they bore me.

“Nice n’ Spicy” Nik Naks are my third favourite crisps.

My Favourite books include ‘A History Of Goats’ by Penn & Teller (so fascinating), ‘Cooking with Gypsies’ by Keith Floyd & the entire Callum Best mystery series.

My Favourite Movies include ‘Withnail and Me’, ‘Jurrasic Island’ & ‘Jeremy Guire’. (I’ve seen them so many times! I know them word for word!) Another guilty pleasure of mine is ‘Robocock Vs The Cyber Sluts’ (I cry every time!)

The music I like tends to be really underground and alternative. I like bands you probably haven’t even heard of yet. Let us say no more about it. I am cooler than you.

I don’t actually like food. I sustain myself by digesting a mixture of flour, water and grass. I sometimes put a glacé cherry on top but it’s purely ornamental and I eat round it and pop it back in the jar afterwards.

I spend a disproportionate amount of my time thinking about the video for ‘Put Yourself In My Place’ by Kylie Minogue. Specifically the fact that while floating in the spacecraft the left sleeve of her spacesuit is removed twice. I find it quite upsetting. I’m also massively addicted to drugs so I tend to think about ‘scoring’ my next ‘hit’ of delicious, delicious drugs.

My hobbies include drinking****ails and making websites censor perfectly acceptable words

The Boring

Headline: I have nothing to say.

Hi I’m dana I’m young and smart love fun and enjoying my life.

The Straight Talking

About me, oh no this is the worst bit!? Well my friends in a recent poll said that I am relaxed and easy-going, I know how to make them smile and cheer them up which must be a good thing….I am also loyal, honest and gregarious.

In my spare time I enjoy looking after myself, going to the gym, cycling, spending time with my friends and family and of course a few beers at the weekend!

I enjoy life as you never know what is around the corner, I love doing random things including weekends away exploring and visiting new places, and of course we all have a good holiday in the sun in our repertoire of enjoyment! I enjoy going to see live music, seeing a good comedian, cinema, watching Newcastle United and eating out to name a few.

I have been single for a few years now, not because I am a weirdo but I do not seem to have found that amazing girl who just makes life fall into place, I would like to settle down with the right person, are you out there? I would however rather stay as a happy singleton than part of an unhapppy couple.

I am not interested in crazy women who want to get married tomorrow, Rome was not built in a day! I have a good job (I am a driller, think Armageddon not DIY SOS!). I have got a full head of hair, my own teeth, and my own car.

The rest is for you to find out of course so if you sound of similar mind and enjoy some of the things that I do why not get in touch?

The one with the bad attitude

Back on here after meeting someone and thinking we were going to be in a relationship and she turned out to be the same as all the other timewasting  women out there. if there is actually anyone decent send me a message. cant be arsed filling this in again. might do it later. If your  a heffer or a nutjob don’t bother as I wont reply.

*update: Im coming off this crap soon as its getting me nowhere.

The leading free online dating site http://www.pof.com suggests that, If you want to be successful , try talking about these things:

1. Talk about your hobbies.
2. Talk about your goals and aspirations
3. Talk about yourself and what makes you unique.
4. Describe your taste in music.

They also offer these words of wisdom..

For your own safety, do not include your name, phone number or address.

People will read both your profile AND message when deciding if they should write back to you. If your profile is really lame it won’t matter how good your message is.

So now we have established the guidelines on what to & what not to write, I have put together a n example of how my profile would go..

I can get on with pretty much anyone, I’m not obsessed with myself, I wear my PJ’s all day after a night out and I couldn’t live off salads 😐

I love spending time with my family & friends, travelling, being spontaneous,  I enjoy good food, good company and  good music to have a dance to. (a night raving on the Biggmarket and a pasty from the 24hr Greggs afterwards is not for me I’m afraid, though I can’t say I haven’t tried it!)

If I don’t like you I’ll be polite and pleasant, If I do like you I will be sarcastic and tease you relentlessly… I think I have somehow gotten this backwards.

Don’t Forget to take a look at How to write the perfect online dating profile & things you need to know for lots of hints and tips to write the perfect profile and get you back out there!

Happy Fishing! 

 

Why I Choose Not To Settle For Anything Less Than Butterflies…. What I Want In A Man.

Why I Choose Not To Settle For Anything Less Than Butterflies…. What I Want In A Man.

I have been pondering over this post for quite some time after a conversations with friends about my idea of a ‘perfect guy’ and after being asked why I am single? Truth is, I see my friends in and out of bad relationships & settling for someone just because they are desperate to settle down…I have done it myself, and I don’t envy them.

I am not a crazy girl who pulls out my notepad and goes through through a checklist every time I meet a guy, and I don’t think I have standards that are set too high, but after a couple of disastrous relationships, I refuse to just settle for the sake of not being ‘alone’

For me, being single means ‘I’m drama free, I’m less stressed, I can do what I want, when I want and I don’t have to check in with anyone’

Thats not to say that I wouldn’t change that to be in a relationship if the right person came along.. which is why I decided to take note of exactly what I want…or what he would have to put up with.

Type: I suppose if I were to label a type I would go for he would have to be a SNAG – A sensitive new age guy… a guy that still upholds the values of the retro-sexual ‘a manly man who doesn’t know the difference between aqua and teal and couldn’t care less’, but not quite with the same savvy style and good taste as the metro-sexual (but with a lot less hair gel and moisturiser), the SNAG is the perfect balance and tends to be a perfect gentlemen while still manly enough to scratch his balls in public.

The main attributes I would find most attractive in a guy would be…

Sense of Humour– This is actually one of the first things I notice, I’m not looking for a stand up comedian but I have what would be described as ‘British Humour’ and would look for a bond in someone similar.

Passion– Someone who is passionate about something, anything! it can’t hurt to care about something other than yourself.

Confidence– A guy who feels secure in his own skin.

Respect: A guy who respects you won’t make you do anything you are uncomfortable with.

Loyal: Loyalty is more than not cheating. Its a person who is honest and can commit to the commitment.

Dependable: A dependable guy doesn’t let down his wife or girlfriend (though a rare occasion is excusable) To be a dependable guy, you don’t need to have all the answers. You just need to be there and help in her time of need.

As for appearance…

Looks: Looks-wise I don’t have a preference, obviously there would need to be the attraction, but theres not a particular type that I would go for.

Build: Well I wouldn’t go for a really skinny guy..I wouldn’t want to hurt him now would I? and I have to admit I have a bit of a weakness for the muscular type.

Obviously the romantic, good in bed, cleaning, naked chef wouldn’t be bad attributes too.

So my list is a little longer than I thought, but I dont think its unachievable. I suppose it’s more about values for me than anything else, I don’t need much more than that as I am independent woman! Everything I own, I have bought for myself, everything I want, I work to get it for myself, everything I do, I do it because I want to.

I have my own car, I feed myself, I buy the clothes, shoes, hair that I want, I decorated my own flat how I want it and own everything in it and I have my own friends and family, and I am a single parent to a child who needs for nothing.

Because of these things I can be happy being alone which is why I refuse to settle for anything that is less… I’m not a man hater or a dragon. I choose to be this way. I’m not perfect but I’ve worked hard to get where I am today and I quite like it 🙂

I recently got this tattoo as a symbol of my independence it reads- Alis Volat Propriss – She Flies With Her Own Wings

Alis Volat Propriss Tattoo