Pregnancy and BPD. It’s Not All Shits And Giggles

Pregnancy and BPD. It’s Not All Shits And Giggles

Last year I went through lots of tests and procedures in hospital, myself and my partner were then referred to a fertility clinic because I was told I had problems with my Fallopian tubes, because they were badly damaged and I had some other problems that were causing me a lot of pain. At one point I was told to get a hysterectomy as it’s the only way to stop the pain, I have an 11-year-old daughter but I was just 28 I didn’t want to turn off my ovaries just like that, it didn’t feel like the right thing to do even though I knew I would have to face facts that I may not be able to have another baby.  After so much bad news we received the final blow, my partner had zero sperm. We were told that I would need to lose 4 stone and pay for any further treatment as there was nothing available for us. We were devastated but we decided to accept the fact that it wasnt meant to be, we couldn’t put our relationship under that kind of tress and I had suffered after each appointment with my mental health and it was really having a big impact on the way I was feeling.

We went away in November and decided that would be it, we would come back and keep creating a better life for the 3 of us and we would travel more as its my favourite thing in the world! We booked a multi centre holiday to Thailand, Hong King & Dubai to take our minds of everything and I took time to convince myself that life would be better if i didn’t have another baby anyway, that there was so many more opportunities for us and my daughter was all grown up so we had it good,

I decided to tackle my weight, first of all my medication was a big factor in this so I started coming ff my pregabalin (lyrica) 75ml at a time, I had heard everywhere that this wasnt a good idea but my psychologist insisted this would be a great idea and I wouldn’t need it much longer anyway. She also told me not to take the anti depressant I had been given as it’s not a good idea to start a new therapy and new medication at the same time, so them being the ‘professionals’ that’s exactly what I did.

The withdrawal was horrific, weeks of pain, feeling sick, no sleep, crippling anxiety, crying, depression, I couldn’t leave the house and was an emotional wreck. I was hoping it would get better but I haven’t been the same since. a few weeks later I was still in withdrawal and my medication had been halved by this time. I decided one morning after feeling really unwell that I would take a pregnancy test, low and behold it was positive! (and so was the next one)

We couldn’t believe our luck! for the first few days it was so exciting! Then I began to worry as it was so early, I cried every time I had eaten something or done something that might affect the baby. We had a 7 week scan and it was a tiny dot. Then a few days later.. everything turned upside down.

With me already being so mentally unstable and the shock of everything, anxiety and the black cloud took over…I began to dread the whole thing, I hated myself, I hated my life and as awful as it may sound I resented the baby for making me feel this way. I was hysterical every day for weeks, I was self harming and eventually became suicidal. I was so distraught by my situation i was in the worst state I have seen myself in…probably ever actually. I cried hysterically day and night, I didn’t want to have the baby I thought it had ruined my life, I couldn’t see myself as a mother again, I couldn’t fit a baby into my life.

Deep down I kept telling myself  ‘you tried for 2 years for a baby, you must have thought a baby would fit into your life somewhere for all that time!‘ I didn’t understand why everything seemed different now, I felt doomed I was trapped as my partner was overjoyed and hasn’t got any children, so I didn’t want to hurt him but I was sure something had to give, it was a case of my sanity of the baby. Ir reached out to the mental heath team desperate for help, they made an appointment and told me to come of my medication straight away because of the pregnancy! I said that I couldn’t stop my medication, I had been so ill for weeks just reducing it and that I am suicidal so don’t think it’s the best idea, it would be more of a risk and I couldn’t possibly  feel any worse than I already did as I wouldn’t have coped.

The psychiatrist told me I shouldn’t have listened to the psychologist in the fist place with regards to medication, that it’s not her job..how was I to know that? I trusted the professionals.

I was referred to the perinatal team (Mother and Baby Mental Health Service) and was told I would be on a waiting list for 2 months before an appointment. They didn’t understand, it would be too late by then, I was ready to terminate the baby I had waited so long for. I begged and cried like never before. I was self harming more and suicidal thoughts were constant. I called the crisis team every time I was hysterical, at one point it was 3 days in a row, they promised to help me and kept referring me to the CMHT (community mental health team) who then kept repeating that the only person that could help me in the whole country was Doctor Cairns, the Perinatal doctor.

Getting through to this doctor was like purchasing rocking hose poop, it was impossible. I went on to write down all my symptoms I was experience, I was having bad  dissociation episodes and I hated every aspect of my life. To gain help I wrote out notes from an assessment that I done on myself so that I was giving them as much info as possible to allow them to help me in the best way, it was my only option.

Lets see what you make of this: Here is what I sent to them describing my feelings at the time and the hell I was going through, I was begging for help out of this hole:

My current situation 05/02/2017

 

  • Suddenly uncomfortable and unhappy in my home, I don’t want to be here anymore.
  • Hate everything about my home, have a bad feeling towards it
    Don’t want to sleep in my own bed or want to sit on my sofa – gives me an uneasy feeling
  • Smells that have been introduced to my house in the last few months trigger me to feel anxious for example a new spray we started to use – new ornaments or changes I have made to try to improve have been taken down
  • Panicking when I know I have to be in the house (after going away for the night I cried for 2 days and didn’t want tor return)
  • No pleasure in doing things
  • Coping techniques not working, cant distract myself
  • Feeling very confused and lost
  • Disconnected from everyone and everything
  • Spaced out, dissociating
  • No concentration
  • No feelings towards anyone or any excitement or other emotions just don’t feel there. I feel like there is something wrong, like I’m out of control and I don’t know myself
  • I feel like I have to move house desperately as I can’t bear to live here anymore – I loved my house a few months ago and spent a lot of time and money n it.
  • I can’t bring myself to talk about the baby or make plans
  • Scared as I don’t feel anything towards baby, I feel disconnected.
  • After trying for years and being told I was infertile, I was devastated I know how badly I wanted to be pregnant and had well thought it through. All of a sudden I don’t feel like that anymore? Doubts.
  • Nothing feels real, I just don’t feel like my life is mine and can’t put my finger on it. I thought I was happy months ago.
  • I haven’t been sleeping well
  • Suicidal thoughts, feel like everyone is better without me and that I just want it all to stop
  • Thoughts of termination as I don’t think I can handle all this. But this would put pressure on my relationship and hurt my supportive partner and I may regret it and suffer even more when I recover
  • I have an anxious, frightened feeling and I’m on autopilot the only think keeping me going is deep down I know I must have a routine for Emily and protect her and that I must have a font for my partner and to not hurt the baby.
  • When I look at photos from November I feel like that was me. I don’t know who I am now, I look and feel different and have different feelings, I can’t explain it very well but its like my mind is carrying on and my body is just working itself.
  • I feel like I’m going crazy,  I don’t know whats happening to me. I want to be excited and enjoy pregnancy, but I just feel it’s an inconvenience and I am scared of when the baby is born and how I will feel and cope..

Timeline of events leading to this time. 

I have recognised that I have felt like this before when I was going through my court case for historical abuse. I done treatment work on PTSD and dissociative disorder. I have looked back on my blog and have noticed similar feeling to now. I have written a timeline of significant things to identify the triggers or any similar trauma that could have affected me or created my problems.

  • Feb 2016:Abuser released from prison on my birthday (a year ago this Friday)

  • Throughout the year I had many problems with my health, and had a bad experience with a doctor when I told him my physical pain and he wouldn’t believe me and told me it was all in my head I struggled with my mental health and felt none could help me, it triggered an episode.
  • I was eventually treated and had an operation to remove my bowel from my ovaries and I was told I was infertile
  • There was mixed consultations to whether I could have children I we were told conflicting things and I was at one point told the only way to get rid of pain was a hysterectomy which I refused.
  • We went to fertility centre and went through treatment with them and told my partner had zero sperm and we had a difficult time and more episodes triggered
  • We eventually accepted that we couldn’t go on trying and put up with the strain it was having on our relationship and my health and decided not to have further treatment which was difficult
  • In November we went to Thailand for 3 weeks – I had family problems and realised that family relationships with my family weren’t what I thought
  • There was arguments and I felt alone and my mother ans sister hurt my feelings and I realised that again my expectations from the relationships were not reality, which was difficult for me to comprehend
  • I came back and started psychology – this opened up a can of worms, we began by talking about the secondary trauma from the court-case but seemed to focus on my bad relationship with my father. I was advised to stop pregabalin and not t take the antidepressants. At the end of the sessions as the psychologist couldn’t offer more I felt like I was leaft with ll these thoughts from things we had discussed, things about my past, and they were left not dealt with, I began feeling worse and I had come down off my pregabalin like she advised
  • I was really ill with withdrawal from taking 225mg less per day of pregabalin – this lasted weeks and I’ve never felt the same since. I had a low immune system so caught a flu and more illness
  • My car broke – I felt isolated and had already started to leave the house less and felt I was only safe and comfortable at home
  • I had a self employment meeting which I was so worried about, it led to a 3 week episode, which was really awful.
  • Found out I was pregnant – I was in shock and delighted for the first couple of days and then it all changed and I started to worry and have doubts and get confused about the situation and how it feels as I had accepted that I couldn’t have one. it is such a big change and I’m now suddenly confused and have no feeling. I am numb of all feelings and detached

 

Is that a normal situation? I carried n begging them for help and contacting the crisis team and anyone else I could to raise the alarm and get the support I needed, I was not going to commit suicide as I have  my daughter to look after  and I knew that I deep down did not want to terminate the baby. But in that state, what do I do?

I eventually was offered an emergency appointment a week later with this Dr Cairns. He spent the majority of an hour asking me about things that he had pulled from my records 7 years ago! Criminal history from when I was a child, I answered honestly to all questioned I cried as I spoke and I gave him my print out (as above) and explained my desperate situation. He told me and I quote

With Borderline Personality Disorder, There isn’t really any medication we can give to help it, there is not much we can do about it unfortunately.

I was so upset, by those words. Does that mean I’m fucked then? there’s no help whatsoever and because it’s a disorder that can’t be helped its tough luck? it’s not the first time I have heard words like these, it makes me wonder what they actually think of it. I instantly put my guard up. After speaking t him he was patronising and it was as if I was being dramatic and all the information I had given him wasnt relevant. I had a similar experience 2 years ago which can be found here .  On that occasion I wasnt wrong either, I had fertility problems and my ovaries were attached to my bowel causing so many problems..and that’s pretty much lead to where I am now.

I left the appointment with Dr Cairns after being told he would be in touch with some support. I heard nothing, from him or the mental health team.. I suffered, I hurt myself and I didn’t know what I could do we know we had to do this alone and just hope that I would get through it, but at the time I really didn’t think I would. I have not had an episode that lasted this long EVER. Which makes me think, is it prenatal depression? It didn’t feel like an episode, I recognise the symptoms and the cycle, this was something else altogether.

After 4 weeks or so, yes 4 weeks! of hearing nothing I received a letter from the perinatal team. I have never felt so insignificant as I did when I read it. it was a 2 page letter, the first 1 and a half pages were about things that had happened over 7 years ago! Which was a lifetime ago to me, Things move so fast in my life. Someone with BPD can relate to how long ago this was and how much will have happened and changed in that time. I was 21 for goodness sake, there was even details of a car accident I had been in 6 years ago. Why was it relevant to bring up my full psychiatric history and not deal with what was happening right now. In this letter his conclusion was basically
‘Had reasonable insight’

‘speech is normal’

She has experienced decompensation of her emotionally unstable disorder in the context of her psychotherapy uncovering historic traumas and then suddenly ending without resolution and acceptance of not having another child following a pregnancy’

‘There is clearly a risk that should her mental health deteriorate any more than there is a further risk of self harm but I don’t feel this is immediate’

Did he read any of my notes? Did he even listen to me? 

I felt ignored and still so upset and angry and that thee was no help for me, I had to keep on suffering alone. That letter sent me in another episode of despair, which also didn’t end well for me. I feel that I have been let down so much from the Mental Health team that I can’t trust them, they have messed with my head time and time again, they can’t be relied on, there’s not enough support or funding for them to help me.

Over the last few weeks through my depression I have managed to carry on with the support of my partner, I don’t have family around where I live  and I speak to my friend on a daily basis who has helped me talk things through each day until I was in a better place. I sought comfort and support from networking sites such as Netmums, where other mothers could give me advice and support and some guidance. it’s took a long time and I am still not in the light yet, though I’m now 4 month pregnant and can see clearer with regard s to the baby, It has finally sunk in and I am being practical about it. I am looking forward to finding out the sex on my next scan and when the baby comes I hope that it will all fall into place and I will love it like I love my daughter. I am constantly scared of not feeling connected to the baby again, as I grow my bump I feel more protective and I do worry about things like ‘what if I can’t do it?’ ‘what if i get ill’ but some say that this is me already being a good Mother and already thinking of whats best for my unborn child.

At the end of that letter the Doctor said that he would get me a CPN (community Psychiatric nurse) and a further appointment in 3 months time and that was that! This was February 24th. It’s now 27 March and 3 days ago I eventually got a call from his team to orange a CPN appointment, I made a complaint about my assessment and informed them I wasnt impressed with the outcome or the help I had received. I then received another letter from DR Cairns stating that I have rejected more help and didn’t find his assessment adequate therefore I am being discharged. Well thanks for that, Great support for mental health eh?

** Update**

I am now 5 month pregnant, I found out that I’m having a little boy and I seen him n the 4D scan, Finally my connection was there, I knew it had been all along but the black cloud of depression and mental health wouldn’t allow me to see it. I’m still struggling with the massive changes in my life but I’m on the mend mainly thanks to my husband. He has done everything he could for me to make me feel comfortable, support me and is constantly there to do as much as he can to get us through this. My older sister was messaged me everyday to reassure me that I would be OK and my friend is still like my therapist.. we are pregnant together so as you can imagine the messages of constant complaints, emotional support and those ‘Too Much Info’ messages are definitely for our eyes only.  I was failed once again by the mental health team a constantly live in fear of whether I’m going to be that mentally ill again soon, or if I will ever be myself again to be honest. I am looking forward to Junior coming along, I feel like I love him and want to protect him and can finally think positively about our future, I am glad I got through the first few months of the pregnancy, but I will always be disappointed I didn’t get to enjoy it and have peace of mind like other expectant mothers  do, the joys of Bordeline Personality Disorder.

I wanted to write this to show other people in my situation you are not alone, you shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling this way. It’s not all  shits and giggles. But it will get better, there is hope!

There is not enough help for mental health during pregnancy, I have recently seen campaigns about it so hopefully, If enough people speak up something will have to be done, In the meantime try and have some hope, even when you feel like there is no way out of the dark. Just keep soldiering on.  I do find myself feeling better about the pregnancy though I’m still very anxious and worrying, but not feeling so doom and gloom towards it. I noticed I started feeling even better when I could feel baby move, made it more real I suppose? Like he’s contacting me to say he is there. I also made myself talk about the pregnancy.  Even though deep down I knew it was what I’d wanted, I was very worried about telling people how I felt but telling them some of what I was feeling – shock, worry, stressed not some much the abortion part as I still feel incredibly guilty – they offered their support and finally the gender scan was my turning point.

I find just taking each day as it comes works best, and making sure you make time for yourself. I’ve started reading again and quite often disappear to bed early to lose myself in a book or a film. Still have the thoughts I started out with: is this the right decision? What’s going to happen after the birth? How will I cope with my mental health? If I’m feeling particularly bad I like to write it all down. Look at what I wrote and ask myself “What can I do to ease the worry?” And come up with a plan. I also think that they’re quite normal thoughts, it’s a big thing and I don’t think any to be parent doesn’t have these thoughts at least once.

I know the last thing you want to admit to people is that you’re not feeling ‘happy’ about this pregnancy but talking helps. Whether a stranger or your partner or a friend.

But take each day as it comes, and wait until you feel the first ‘flutters’  it helps when it starts feeling more real and the horrible tired sicky stage has passed.

All the best  to anyone who is experiencing the same.

Not everything that is faced can be changed, But nothing can be changed until its faced.

Not everything that is faced can be changed, But nothing can be changed until its faced.

It’s been a bittersweet month, I have had the saddest couple of weeks and the happiest, it’s a roller-coaster. I feel like what I can only relate to as a grieving process and it’s been exceptionally hard for me, although I have my partner and people around me I feel isolated, alone & misunderstood by  the people I love the most. It has been frustrating yet I have also had the most amazing time of my life with my partner who I finally a sense of belonging with, but my inability to cope with my BPD has become a huge burden.

I have recently been struggling and have relapsed, my family don’t know much about it or the extent of it or how it affects my daily life and I know they will never understand, I will never let them into that part of my life or show them those vulnerabilities. I feel sometimes when I do, it is used against me.  Other people seem to think everything is simple and I should just be grateful for what I have and not make things so complicated. I know it’s not as simple as that, my life with BPD and other mental heath problems, along with normal daily struggles &  everyday stresses is very complex.

I see things differently from others, I try so hard and I’m trying to learn how to accept not everybody loves and feels with the intensity like I do because of my BPD, not everyone has that intense empathy. I have come to realise my close relationships are no longer what I thought they once were, my place in my family isn’t what I thought it should be. I have always felt like I didn’t belong, I know they love me very much and If I needed them they would be there and I am grateful for this.

But realistically, I have come to see that they have totally different morals and priorities to me and how I thought we were meant to be with each other and that the loyalty and protection I offer, is sometime just one way.

I know that for myself I need to let go, to stop trying to be the one that is there for everyone as that way I will not feel let down when I don’t get the same treatment. I am trying to understand that sometimes my care and affection is not wanted nor my need to care recognised. I have had a false sense of my relationships and have struggled between what they are and what I want them to be. I definitely know that  I’m not the easiest person to love or to be around, but this confusion has caused me a lot of pain and more so recently, I am trying to learn how to deal with it.

As time has gone on and more things have happened with people I care about leaving me feel let down time and time again, or dismissing my feelings, putting other family members or loved ones before me but expecting me to put them first, I have begun to feel on the outside, invisible, sometimes excluded from the close bonds that formed between them.

They all seem to have some loyalty to certain others and hold them on a pedestal. No matter how much I go out of my way to try to keep them involved in my life, it is often thrown back in my face. If there is a problem, I will go out of my way to care for them and make them happy and sacrifice things, putting their feelings first, without them even knowing it because that’s just the way I was made, though its causing me more distress as time goes on.

Apparently because I have made an independent life for myself and put on a mask, some people seem to think I don’t need them as much as they need each other, which is hurtful. Sometimes this means I need them more. I know how pathetic that sounds but my need for reassurance and my constant craving to feel needed and wanted pains me and the loyalty I have for them is not returned.

I have  tried to snap out of feeling isolated, but kept noticing that they weren’t drawn to me at all, didn’t care about important occasions in my life, like they do for other members of the family and that my feeling, thoughts and needs didn’t seem to count.

Finally the dam broke on this trip away and I have spoken up about it a little bit to the family I am travelling with when there was a disagreement, but they reacted defensively, refusing to admit that when problems or misunderstanding arise that they were being unreasonable, accepting that their actions or reactions were a part of the problem or unnecessarily taking sides when it wasnt needed. I told them they were dismissing my feelings and I feel like they are pushing me out and protecting each other, it’s not always  me to blame though I wear my guilt on my sleeve and I take responsibility when I’m at fault.

This may seem a selfish way for me to react, but I feel for now, it is justified as it’s the final straw for me, everybody has their limits and to save my own sanity these issues need to be addressed. Expectation really has always been the root of my heartache.

But at home there is a lot that remains unsaid, I cannot carry on to always be the one that is always holding out the olive branch or trying to make an effort, whether right or wrong, ignoring my own feelings for the sake of someone else. Though I’m sure this will make me the bad guy when I do finally explode and I will then suffer from hearing the ‘typical her’ ‘ here we go again’ ‘just ignore her, she’s in one of her moods’

I have started to see things in others that I have chosen not to acknowledge before now. Selfishness, greed, ignorance and a lack of empathy and unwillingness to voluntarily help others. Which are things I cannot always relate to, because I tend to have the opposite of  these traits.

The dispute between my close ones has intensified as I continue to be defensive, I have felt evermore criticised and rejected. There has been a lot of things that have happened throughout my life, lots of rejection and situations that have led to this point.

Fed up,  I have given in and have started to snap and make people aware of their behaviours and that they are hurting me.  The hypersensitivity that BPD has then resulted in outbursts as I have let things build up, the hurt and the from those close to me that don’t love or think like I do and leads to feelings of rejection and isolation and in turn the focus becomes on my frustration and angry outburst which makes it difficult for me to address the initial problem and makes it easier for me and my mental health to become the blame for all problems, this then sets the stage for further sadness, anger, and fears of abandonment, which perpetuate the cycle of rejection and hostility.

My initial reaction is to cut everyone off, but I love my family and I know they love me, so for now I need to take a step back and get to grips with the way they are, I don’t have to like the way they choose to live or be to love them and vice versa.

We all don’t have to get on all the time. The times they have been their for me and helped me through or supported me, do not go unnoticed, I have had more crisis’ to deal with than your average person and I know that being there for me can becoming tiring. I am not disregarding that and as I’ve said before, I love my close ones dearly and I am certain that they love me to, that has never been in question. I have been trying to understand splitting more in order to help me understand the difference in how I view certain relationships.

Splitting is a very common defence mechanism in people with BPD, leading sufferers to view others, themselves and life events in all or nothing terms. Because of splitting, it is difficult for individuals with BPD to recognise that good people sometimes do things imperfectly or make mistakes. The experience of splitting is very confusing and frustrating for people with BPD and their loved ones. Splitting can interfere with relationships and work life, and can lead to intense anger and self-destructive behaviours.

I’m not ashamed to admit I have sought more help, I am back in the service and I  have begun seeing a new psychologist and I am looking forward to working with her as It’s not often that you can find someone to work with, who you can trust and relate to. I wanted to pen (or type) the things that I will be working on, I used to research and write more often and it helped me make sense of my jumble thoughts in my head causing me so much suffering and confusion, I haven’t slept for the last 2 nights so I thought I’d come back to my blog to help me vent and to gain a better understanding of why I may be feeling this way and how I am reacting to certain circumstances and situations that I am currently struggling with in my life in order for me to move on.

I will be publishing a number of subjects which I will be working on, and publishing my finding, so that I can draw on them when I need them.

These are some of the subjects I will be looking into that will hopefully help me overcome my latest difficulty:

  • Guilt & Shame
  • Complex Trauma and Secondary Trauma
  • Splitting
  • Acceptance

 

 

You Have 2 Hands. One To Help Yourself. One To Help Others #worldhomelessday

You Have 2 Hands. One To Help Yourself. One To Help Others #worldhomelessday

As well and World Mental Health Day, Today Is World Homeless Day Too.

The purpose of World Homeless Day is to draw attention to homeless people’s needs locally and provide opportunities for the community to get involved in responding to homelessness.

I want to help to make a difference this winter. I know a local charity in my area called Making Winter Warmer, they are they most caring, giving, selfless group of people I have ever come across. They difference they make each week is remarkable. I have decided to join in and give something to a cause that can make such a huge difference to the lives of the homeless on our streets.

Making Winter Warmer is relaunching its Christmas ‘Kindness Pack’ Appeal and ‘Selection Box’ Appeal ♡

‘As the nights get colder and spirits run low lets help create positivity for those less fortunate than ourselves. Our Street Friends certainly deserve a treat and there’s nobody better to ask than all of you supportive and wonderful #MWW friends!’

Can you help? If you are not local to this project, look out for other projects in your area.

14642077_10154581278299813_5115149152141745096_n 14650557_10154581278124813_8330717054076043227_n

All of the details are on the poster above. Please stick to the suggested list ( They have a mass amount of toothpaste/brushes and will be added by them at base) and items must be placed in a clear zip lock bag, this way we can cut down time on checking the packs and our friends can reuse the bag to keep items safe and weatherproof.14606441_10154581278209813_5586546120356193677_n

How Do You Know When You Are Coming Out Of An Episode?

How Do You Know When You Are Coming Out Of An Episode?

As I wrote just days ago on this blog, I felt so rock-bottom. I was  in despair and horribly confused. I’ve had many episodes like that, some much worse and I accept my condition and the way it makes me feel. I know that these things will happen from time to time but thankfully, it happens a lot less these days,  as I’m lucky enough to have been able to use the coping strategies that I have learnt over the years. After an extreme low I always feel deep regret, embarrassment and shame because of the way I have been feeling, the way I have acted and of the thoughts I had during that time.

During this episode in particular, I somehow knew what was happening and that  things would seem much different when it was over , thinking to myself ‘I have got through this befiore, and I wil again’.  Though I still couldn’t control the way I felt, the sobbing, the anxiety, the worries that I had and the chronic emptiness, knowing that no-one will understand even if I try to explain.  I was lucky enough to function on auto-pilot, I had to I’m a mother and I have a partner. They rely on me and they needed me to be OK even though I was dying inside.

Last night, after trying to pull myself together for days but not having the energy, I was in the kitchen making some tea and I was just pottering about and started singing.. then it dawned on me. I’M SINGING!

The thoughts have stopped racing through my head and I suddenly relaxed, thought about my situation and how my body felt, at this point the tension left my body and I felt a relief. It was over, I’m on my way back to my version of reality, I was beginning to feel human again.

I remember one day I complained to my mother that my daughter never stopped singing and it was driving me crazy,  she told me ‘she must be happy and content then, you don’t sing when your sad’

Gaining so much knowledge in my condition over the years and being able to recognise the triggers, symptoms and feelings have helped me cope with my Borderline Personality Disorder.  In this instance I put into place my Mindfulnes practice; Mndfulness is a great tool and I would highly recommend it to anyone suffering from any mental health problem.

What is mindfulness?

Mindfulness means knowing directly what is going on inside and outside ourselves, moment by moment.

“It’s easy to stop noticing the world around us. It’s also easy to lose touch with the way our bodies are feeling and to end up living ‘in our heads’ – caught up in our thoughts without stopping to notice how those thoughts are driving our emotions and behaviour,” he says.

Mark Williams professor of clinical psychology says “An important part of mindfulness is reconnecting with our bodies and the sensations they experience. This means waking up to the sights, sounds, smells and tastes of the present moment.  Another important part of mindfulness is an awareness of our thoughts and feelings as they happen moment to moment. Awareness of this kind doesn’t start by trying to change or fix anything. It’s about allowing ourselves to see the present moment clearly. When we do that, it can positively change the way we see ourselves and our lives.”

Today I feel proud of myself, I pulled through it and that for the first time it hit me that I had learnt a new skill, I knew to recognise the end of the episode by being mindful. I also know my next phase is rebuilding myself. People recover in different ways, I rebuild myself by organising, creating to do lists and being productive, organising my clothes, getting new hair extensions and pampering myself and making plans for the future. I also recognise that by doing this it prepares me for the next depression or bad episode.  So this is me back to my life, my beautiful mess.

I am interested to find out how you come to the realisation that your episode is over? or is there something that happens as you begin to descend into that state of depression or mania? 

P.s I would also like to thank those of you that messaged me for your kind words of support, they made me feel less isolated in my time of need ❤

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today, I’m surviving.

Today, I’m surviving.

I havent wrote for a while, but I feel like I need to get this out as part of me moving on from this episode. I have had an awful week, it just isn’t getting any better. there is so much going on around me, really stressful things in my life. Money, friends, career, family & even the dreaded trauma feelings from historical abuse I suffered, has hit me like a ton of bricks as it’s nearing the abusers release date. It’s overwhelming me, I just don’t know how I’m coping.

Yesterday things took a turn for the worst for me, I recently wrote a post about the physical pain I was in and the problems I had been having with my doctor.. I was finally referred to the right people and I had a hospital appointment, When I got there I found out the reason for the discomfort and the problems I have been having trying to conceive..It turns out I have endometriosis. Which can cause infertility. I was faced with the options ‘try to conceive with a very slim chance and put up with the every day pain and discomfort or we can shut down the ovaries’ 😦

I have another appointment for MORE scans to check out the cysts on my ovaries and see if they will be removed and then I must have laparoscopy surgery to confirm the diagnosis and see if they can remove some of the tissue causing the problems conceiving, this may not be the case, but I am hoping this can be done aswell as the Cysts removed to increase my ‘slim’ chance of conceiving. I was informed after the surgery they would look into treatments for me. Though it doesn’t look good, I’m lucky enough to have been blessed with my daughter 10 years ago but that doesn’t take away the desperation I feel right now, It also means I’m unlikely to get fertility treatments and IVF with help from the National Health Service.

Along with everything else I am devastated, My Fiance (Yes Fiance..I got engaged!) is longing for a child and we now have to face the sad fact that I may not be able to provide him with one. Though he is so supportive, constantly reassuring me and tell me we will deal with it together and that I’m being crazy, he wants to marry me. I believe him. I can see he adores me, as can everyone that knows us personally.  But I know deep down how much a child was part of his plan and even though right now this is OK, will it still be OK in 5 years time If it comes to IVF and it doesn’t work? What then? My anxiety is taking over, I can’t look in ‘the now’ I can’t rationalise.

This has triggered another horrible feeling for me to deal with. I’ve come to realise how I am so attached and dependant on him. We are planning a wedding, a huge commitment that I am totally 100% committed to. But that’s the issue..what if something happened to him? I don’t know how I would live if he wasn’t with me, I couldn’t face this life alone.. even though I found the strength before, I never felt this attached or afraid. I get a separation anxiety when he’s not around, I just don’t feel at ease. The minute he comes through the door everything seems easier to cope with.

Even if we are having a disagreement, I still desperately need him around to feel OK. So now I’m worried in case my life is all going to crumble. I’m not doubting him or our relationship, we are solid. But that’s why this is crazy, why am I this upset and scared about something that might never happen? or might not even be an issue. I don’t want to hold back and keep a barrier up where he is concerned (a typical BPD thing to do) and to be honest its to late to take a step back. I can’t help thinking, what if it’s out of my hands? Im already afraid of the emotions I would have to face.

My head just feels like its exploding. On the outside I am wearing my mask, still going on auto pilot, not crying until I’m alone, trying to act normal, listening to other people’s problems and continue pretending I have everything under control. But I don’t, I have no idea what to do I have thoughts racing through my mind I am really distressed extremely anxious.

I’m not sure how much longer I can do this, It’s got to the point where the self-harm thoughts are coming because I’m so frustrated. I just feel angry and have a lot of self-pity. I want to scream and cry and hide away.. I am not hysterical enough to phone the Crisis team.. is this a crisis? or just an episode? Or a reaction to the build up of negativity?

I keep telling myself that I  have overcome these things before, I survived then and I will now. Thank God that I know how to use the self-help skills that I have learnt over the years, though even that’s a struggle. I’m so agitated I can’t even find the strength or enough focus to use some of my distraction skills that usually help me through. This time I’m running on hope, hope that it’s over soon. I feel very alone, I can’t tell no-one. I don’t know what to say. They won’t understand anyway. How can I explain something I don’t understand myself.?

I wake up on a morning and wait for bedtime, I don’t sleep well but in this state when I’m asleep, it’s the only time I escape my own head.  I recognise the cycle, how it happens, how I feel and what feeling will come next. I’m just so overwhelmed, my feelings are spiralling out of control. Yet, I’m still somehow surviving.

Make Time To Be A Friend. It Could Save Someone’s Life

Make Time To Be A Friend. It Could Save Someone’s Life

Dealing with my own personal problems and having to move away from my home town to create a better life for myself & my daughter means that I am well aware of how much I rely on my friends for support. I understand the importance of making time for my friends and being there for them or just letting them know they are not alone because knowing you are not alone is the best thing for anyone when going through a tough time. Friends can mean the world – when you’re feeling stressed or upset, they can be a real source of support.

Time To Change has started a new campaign #maketime and I think it’s a fantastic idea and I knew I had to pass on the word, because it really can make a difference to someone who could be facing difficulties, it could even save them from taking their own life. Anyone can experience a mental health problem, so being able to talk about it is important to us all.

You don’t need to be an expert to talk about it. And it’s often the small things you do and say that can make a big difference to someone – like asking ‘How are you?’ or dropping them a text to say hello.

It will let them know you haven’t forgotten them and that your there if they need you.

mental-health-conversation-top-tips

 

 

How to help someone with mental health problems

If someone you know is experiencing mental health problems or needs urgent support, there are lots of services that you can go to for help.

You can also find out more about:

TTC_TTTDay_Hashtag

Source: http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/talk-about-mental-health

Start your Own Business, Ideas And Templates, Boost Your Income WIth No Experience And Little Cash

Start your Own Business, Ideas And Templates, Boost Your Income WIth No Experience And Little Cash

Since I was in Secondary School I always knew I would be self-employed, I just didn’t realise how much passion I would have about business. I have my ups and downs but have been pleased with what I have achieved so far against all odds, I didn’t finish school, left with no GCSE’s have had no higher education since apart from a Life Coaching Course which I decided not to take further.

But we all have to make a living somehow and I want to share a few easy ways to boost your income!

In the past I have tried a few different businesses including market trading, selling different items and even winning free trading space, NMTF membership & invited to parties at the houses of parliament through being shortlisted from thousands in a national competition! I also owned a very successful Domestic Cleaning Business which I recently sold on because I felt the time was right and I was ready to embark on an exciting new venture!

Throughout the years I have had many ideas, and done a lot of research and planning mainly because of my interest in how businesses work but I have also helped friends and family members set the wheels in motion for their new businesses. I’m a bit of a of a jack of all trades some might say.

So over the next few weeks I have decided to share a couple of ideas, the research I have done and kept and templates to help people set up their own business and get on the right track.

If you’re considering setting up a new business, this could be the opportunity you have been waiting for so watch this space!

20130323-125030.jpg
DISCLAIMER: The details , ideas and templates I share are the ones I have used myself and produced through research and collecting information from various sources over time.

Please be aware that information provided by this blog is subject to change. We recommend that you do not take any information held within as a definitive guide to the law or the relevant matter being discussed. You are advised to seek legal or professional advice where necessary rather than relying on the content supplied by the author of this blog.

Due to the nature of the matters discussed on this blog, the information contained within it and any pages linked to from it are clearly subject to change, without warning. The law, regulations and other forms of legal governance are constantly changing and adapting to meet the needs of the modern world and it is impossible to comprehensively detail the nature of such within the confines of a blog in a concise, up-to-date manner.

You will find links to guidance on what you need to do for tax and National Insurance purposes when you start-up a business as a self-employed person, a partnership or a limited company at http://www.hmrc.gov.uk/startingup/index.htm , You will also find links to additional help and support HM Revenue & Customs (HMRC) offer new businesses