Not everything that is faced can be changed, But nothing can be changed until its faced.

Not everything that is faced can be changed, But nothing can be changed until its faced.

It’s been a bittersweet month, I have had the saddest couple of weeks and the happiest, it’s a roller-coaster. I feel like what I can only relate to as a grieving process and it’s been exceptionally hard for me, although I have my partner and people around me I feel isolated, alone & misunderstood by  the people I love the most. It has been frustrating yet I have also had the most amazing time of my life with my partner who I finally a sense of belonging with, but my inability to cope with my BPD has become a huge burden.

I have recently been struggling and have relapsed, my family don’t know much about it or the extent of it or how it affects my daily life and I know they will never understand, I will never let them into that part of my life or show them those vulnerabilities. I feel sometimes when I do, it is used against me.  Other people seem to think everything is simple and I should just be grateful for what I have and not make things so complicated. I know it’s not as simple as that, my life with BPD and other mental heath problems, along with normal daily struggles &  everyday stresses is very complex.

I see things differently from others, I try so hard and I’m trying to learn how to accept not everybody loves and feels with the intensity like I do because of my BPD, not everyone has that intense empathy. I have come to realise my close relationships are no longer what I thought they once were, my place in my family isn’t what I thought it should be. I have always felt like I didn’t belong, I know they love me very much and If I needed them they would be there and I am grateful for this.

But realistically, I have come to see that they have totally different morals and priorities to me and how I thought we were meant to be with each other and that the loyalty and protection I offer, is sometime just one way.

I know that for myself I need to let go, to stop trying to be the one that is there for everyone as that way I will not feel let down when I don’t get the same treatment. I am trying to understand that sometimes my care and affection is not wanted nor my need to care recognised. I have had a false sense of my relationships and have struggled between what they are and what I want them to be. I definitely know that  I’m not the easiest person to love or to be around, but this confusion has caused me a lot of pain and more so recently, I am trying to learn how to deal with it.

As time has gone on and more things have happened with people I care about leaving me feel let down time and time again, or dismissing my feelings, putting other family members or loved ones before me but expecting me to put them first, I have begun to feel on the outside, invisible, sometimes excluded from the close bonds that formed between them.

They all seem to have some loyalty to certain others and hold them on a pedestal. No matter how much I go out of my way to try to keep them involved in my life, it is often thrown back in my face. If there is a problem, I will go out of my way to care for them and make them happy and sacrifice things, putting their feelings first, without them even knowing it because that’s just the way I was made, though its causing me more distress as time goes on.

Apparently because I have made an independent life for myself and put on a mask, some people seem to think I don’t need them as much as they need each other, which is hurtful. Sometimes this means I need them more. I know how pathetic that sounds but my need for reassurance and my constant craving to feel needed and wanted pains me and the loyalty I have for them is not returned.

I have  tried to snap out of feeling isolated, but kept noticing that they weren’t drawn to me at all, didn’t care about important occasions in my life, like they do for other members of the family and that my feeling, thoughts and needs didn’t seem to count.

Finally the dam broke on this trip away and I have spoken up about it a little bit to the family I am travelling with when there was a disagreement, but they reacted defensively, refusing to admit that when problems or misunderstanding arise that they were being unreasonable, accepting that their actions or reactions were a part of the problem or unnecessarily taking sides when it wasnt needed. I told them they were dismissing my feelings and I feel like they are pushing me out and protecting each other, it’s not always  me to blame though I wear my guilt on my sleeve and I take responsibility when I’m at fault.

This may seem a selfish way for me to react, but I feel for now, it is justified as it’s the final straw for me, everybody has their limits and to save my own sanity these issues need to be addressed. Expectation really has always been the root of my heartache.

But at home there is a lot that remains unsaid, I cannot carry on to always be the one that is always holding out the olive branch or trying to make an effort, whether right or wrong, ignoring my own feelings for the sake of someone else. Though I’m sure this will make me the bad guy when I do finally explode and I will then suffer from hearing the ‘typical her’ ‘ here we go again’ ‘just ignore her, she’s in one of her moods’

I have started to see things in others that I have chosen not to acknowledge before now. Selfishness, greed, ignorance and a lack of empathy and unwillingness to voluntarily help others. Which are things I cannot always relate to, because I tend to have the opposite of  these traits.

The dispute between my close ones has intensified as I continue to be defensive, I have felt evermore criticised and rejected. There has been a lot of things that have happened throughout my life, lots of rejection and situations that have led to this point.

Fed up,  I have given in and have started to snap and make people aware of their behaviours and that they are hurting me.  The hypersensitivity that BPD has then resulted in outbursts as I have let things build up, the hurt and the from those close to me that don’t love or think like I do and leads to feelings of rejection and isolation and in turn the focus becomes on my frustration and angry outburst which makes it difficult for me to address the initial problem and makes it easier for me and my mental health to become the blame for all problems, this then sets the stage for further sadness, anger, and fears of abandonment, which perpetuate the cycle of rejection and hostility.

My initial reaction is to cut everyone off, but I love my family and I know they love me, so for now I need to take a step back and get to grips with the way they are, I don’t have to like the way they choose to live or be to love them and vice versa.

We all don’t have to get on all the time. The times they have been their for me and helped me through or supported me, do not go unnoticed, I have had more crisis’ to deal with than your average person and I know that being there for me can becoming tiring. I am not disregarding that and as I’ve said before, I love my close ones dearly and I am certain that they love me to, that has never been in question. I have been trying to understand splitting more in order to help me understand the difference in how I view certain relationships.

Splitting is a very common defence mechanism in people with BPD, leading sufferers to view others, themselves and life events in all or nothing terms. Because of splitting, it is difficult for individuals with BPD to recognise that good people sometimes do things imperfectly or make mistakes. The experience of splitting is very confusing and frustrating for people with BPD and their loved ones. Splitting can interfere with relationships and work life, and can lead to intense anger and self-destructive behaviours.

I’m not ashamed to admit I have sought more help, I am back in the service and I  have begun seeing a new psychologist and I am looking forward to working with her as It’s not often that you can find someone to work with, who you can trust and relate to. I wanted to pen (or type) the things that I will be working on, I used to research and write more often and it helped me make sense of my jumble thoughts in my head causing me so much suffering and confusion, I haven’t slept for the last 2 nights so I thought I’d come back to my blog to help me vent and to gain a better understanding of why I may be feeling this way and how I am reacting to certain circumstances and situations that I am currently struggling with in my life in order for me to move on.

I will be publishing a number of subjects which I will be working on, and publishing my finding, so that I can draw on them when I need them.

These are some of the subjects I will be looking into that will hopefully help me overcome my latest difficulty:

  • Guilt & Shame
  • Complex Trauma and Secondary Trauma
  • Splitting
  • Acceptance

 

 

Make Your Chrismas Gift Exchange Memorable- Fun, Alternative Gift Swapping Ideas

Make Your Chrismas Gift Exchange Memorable- Fun, Alternative Gift Swapping Ideas

With the dark nights drawing in and the cold weather upon us, its hard not to get excited for the festive season!

With only 71 days until Christmas, I have already began making plans with my family, I have always loved Christmas and getting together with the people that I love, is by far the best part!

But Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas without gifts.

So to make the giving and receiving of gifts, extra fun.. I have come up with these creative ideas.

gifts

Homemade Gifts

A home-made gift is  thoughtful and great fun to make, it really get’s you in the spirit of Christmas.

Take a look at these blog posts for inspiration..

8 Fun homemade Christmass Gift Ideas

Homemade Sweet trees

The Gift That Keeps Giving.

What about having everyone chip in to purchase a magazine subscription based on the interests of each recipient?
There are a lot of great deals online and can work out a great value treat that lasts all year round!

Around The World.
Get everyone to pick a different country (preferably not the one in which you live) and buy a gift that is relevant to that country,
This could also be a Secret Santa Theme. (See Below)

Swap Entertainment Gift’s

Can Include books, movies, games, and even food — basically anything the recipient can enjoy doing, to entertain them over the festive period.

Secret Santa

 A tradition in which members of a family/ group are randomly assigned a person  to whom they anonymously give a gift.

 The names of participants are placed in a hat, and participants draw the name of a person for whom to buy a gift.

To make the exchange more fun you could add a theme; decide on your own theme for the year, then everyone’s gift needs to fit the theme. For instance, if you choose “,Red or Green” all the gifts need to be predominantly red or green.

Theme Ideas

Red Or Green

Health & Beauty

Food

Local / Hometown

Childhood

Retro

…And So On

What will you be doing this year? 

Video

My Suicide Project

This has been a difficult post to create and one hell of an emotional day.

I decided to put this video together while I was feeling strong enough to do so. As most of you know I am on a journey ‘breaking free of BPD’ and this is one of the tools I will use as part of my crisis plan.

Unfortunately suicidal thoughts are a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder, it’s a difficult thing to deal with and I have found myself minutes away from committing suicide and have sadly made a couple of desperate attempts.

Luckily I got through those times and was thankful. But that doesn’t stop me feeling the same desperation again and again. In fact, the last time I had a plan (not just thoughts which I have on a regular basis) was just last week, and it’s just as frightening every time.

As part of my recovery process I am trying to learn coping strategies for each of the situations & recognising the triggers that lead to them. So I have created this video to kind of shock myself into the reality of what happens after suicide and the effects it will have on my family. My daughter has always been my saviour, I would never want to do anything to hurt her and would never risk her being upset or even seeing me if I was having an episode or feeling down. I have plans in place for when I do feel a bit crappy, but this is a reminder in case I ever feel so desperate and in despair again.

I have previously wrote posts in the past regarding My Comfort Box & Distress Tolerance, some other coping strategies I use.