My Suicide Project

This has been a difficult post to create and one hell of an emotional day.

I decided to put this video together while I was feeling strong enough to do so. As most of you know I am on a journey ‘breaking free of BPD’ and this is one of the tools I will use as part of my crisis plan.

Unfortunately suicidal thoughts are a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder, it’s a difficult thing to deal with and I have found myself minutes away from committing suicide and have sadly made a couple of desperate attempts.

Luckily I got through those times and was thankful. But that doesn’t stop me feeling the same desperation again and again. In fact, the last time I had a plan (not just thoughts which I have on a regular basis) was just last week, and it’s just as frightening every time.

As part of my recovery process I am trying to learn coping strategies for each of the situations & recognising the triggers that lead to them. So I have created this video to kind of shock myself into the reality of what happens after suicide and the effects it will have on my family. My daughter has always been my saviour, I would never want to do anything to hurt her and would never risk her being upset or even seeing me if I was having an episode or feeling down. I have plans in place for when I do feel a bit crappy, but this is a reminder in case I ever feel so desperate and in despair again.

I have previously wrote posts in the past regarding My Comfort Box & Distress Tolerance, some other coping strategies I use.

Advantages Of BPD . . . Lets Look At The Positives For A Change!

Advantages Of BPD . . . Lets Look At The Positives For A Change!

I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder for 3 years now, through all the suffering and the pain and the constant emotional battle, I rarely hear anyone saying anything positive regarding  BPD.

Although all of us have different traits and personalities, and traits of some borderlines with be the complete opposite of another…. but maybe we  aren’t like this for no reason?

What positive aspects can you pull from your BPD?

An animals ability to adapt to its environment is probably the single biggest factor in its survival. For me, aspects of BPD seem like they stem from a sort of ultra adaptability.

I am the type of person who can really do anything, and I usually do it pretty well.
I’ve worked so many different jobs, tried so many different hobbies, started so many different businesses and helped many others do the same. I feel like that is partly because I can constantly rebuild my self-image to suit whatever role is necessary.

Every person I talk to get a slightly different voice/persona, it’s always well adapted to the target and the result is always positive, I don’t fail interviews and my bosses/mentors are always pleased with my work and expect me to excel.

I am writing this post to prove it’s not all bad, its not all in the textbooks! There ARE advantages of having a mental illness such as BPD.


Here are a few that I for one am thankful for.

I am..

  • PASSIONATE: Extreme intensity of passion when I find something that interests me.
  • INDIVIDUAL: I  strongly cultivate my individualism and enjoy applying my abilities to new tasks.
  • SPONTANEOUS: ‘The Art of living in the moment’.. doing whatever it is I feel I want to do at that moment. Being Free.
  • CURIOUS: I’m curious about anything and everything, therefore taking more interest in people and in their interests.
  • INTENSE: Every moment of life is experienced at extreme intensity, experiencing life to the fullest with both the highs and the lows.
  • INSIGHTFUL: Since I have experienced so much pain in my past, I am able to draw on these experiences for the present moment via self-awareness, helping myself and others.
  • EMPATHETIC  & COMPASSIONATE: Empathy is the capacity to recognize and, to some extent, share feelings (such as sadness or happiness) that are being experienced by another. Some borderlines do not have any, I however have super empathy and can have a lot of compassion for those around me, whether I am feeling high or low.
  • CREATIVE: ‘ Having the ability to create’…This is one of my favourite Borderline Super Powers’  The  quote below is hanging in my kitchen (In a collage that I created)  that reminds me of the positive aspects of BPD when I’m struggling to see any

My creative gifts are worth the mental illness, I’ve suffered for them.  

bpd faces

So while this mercurial sense of self can be negative, and leads to BPD behaviours, it can also be a huge advantage.

As a Borderline, I  can be anything and everything I  want, most people can’t adapt like if you understand the content of this post,  maybe you could try to use this as an  advantage? Use your flexible self-image to rebuild yourself positively, rebuild a version of yourself that can’t be negative or sad, or self-pitying.

We are actually in much more control of our persona’s than most normals, they can’t recreate themselves so easily. We will undoubtedly fall apart after rebuilding ourselves, we need to just remember to keep rebuilding the same house, every time we do it, it will become stronger and stronger, and eventually…this will all be a thing of the past.

I Have Done Something Amazing!… I Gave Blood

I Have Done Something Amazing!… I Gave Blood

After finally recovering from my shocking hangover from NYE (vowing to never drink again of course) I decided to begin tying up some loose ends. So I swallowed my pride and I made a start on some ‘making up’ I ended a rift with an old friend, I held out my hand to a family member that I had drifted apart from and I learnt to accept a certain friend situation for what it is (after some serious thought and a blog post ; ). I suppose sometimes we have to be the ones to apologise or to forget even when we are not wrong,  but because we value our friendship’s more. I personally don’t like having bad feeling’s with people, so I feel relieved that I have done so 🙂

I also crossed a Priority off my to do list I GAVE BLOOD! and it feels great! I will also carry on donating. I realised recently when my Father needed a transfusion just how important it is to give blood, he needed a lot of blood and the heroes that donated it saved his life! If I could thank every one of them then I would send them that big Cuppa Soup Teddy to give each of them a big squeeze!!

Cuppa Soup’s ‘Hug In A Mug’ Teddy

It didn’t hurt me at all and once I was in the chair it took less than 5 minutes! Also being very English I was happy to get a free Cuppa Tea and Biccy’s afterwards.

So IF your feeling heroic PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE take time out to register to give blood below

Give the gift of life!… DO IT NOW!!