On The Borderline: Back To Basics

On The Borderline: Back To Basics

When I started blogging, I was sharing some fun exciting post, but a lot of my posts are brutally honest about my life, my experiences and my Borderline Personality Disorder and mental health issues. it was a place I could be totally honest and open up and say whatever I want without upsetting anyone or having to skirt around things to make them sound like they weren’t so painful. I wanted to be truthful and really open up about the day-to-day reality of living with a personality disorder, to allow people to be able to relate to me and to say the things that are left unsaid, the crazy truth behind the mask.

What really goes on in our minds and the suffering myself and thousands of others with mental health issues have to endure every day. Often you think thinks in your head, but you wouldn’t dream of saying them out loud! what would people think? Would that upset people? Would that make them dislike me? They would think I’m crazy! I would feel guilty if I told them what I really thought of them! I would become paranoid, wondering what they would be saying about me or if they would stop talking to me. I have BPD,  I have a fear of rejection and abandonment, so I often keep quiet and just put up with whoever it is or whatever it is that is on my mind, I bottle it up..which becomes dangerous for me in the long run. A comment you may make, which you never think about again would stay in my mind, I would be paranoid and convince myself I need to change and obsess over why you may have said it, what does this person really think of me?

Borderlines have great difficulty regulating our emotional actions and have an unfortunate tendency to lose ourselves in our own drama when we perceive that we are being attacked. For me these kinds of thing will occur at times when I am very stressed out by a situation or person. I will feel like they or everyone is out to get me and become very distressed (sometimes to the point of triggering self-harmful and difficult episodes). This will often be linked to being let down or hurt by someone I thought I could trust or rely or in some way. I will then feel like I can trust no-one, a ‘me against the world’ syndrome developing temporarily. During these episodes of paranoia and delusion I worry about what people think of me and feel there is something fundamentally wrong with me that causes people to hate me and treat me badly, I feel I don’t deserve to be happy or loved and that everyone would be better off without me, which can then lead to suicidal ideation’s. I get suspicious of everything and everyone, imaging a multitude of motivations for their action or inaction, with beliefs that they want to hurt me and are being nasty or taking advantage of me.

After a year or so of writing my blog became quite popular and we appeared on TV and radio stations and was featured in newspapers and suddenly everyone knew who I was, my friends and family, people I know, it was shared all over social media and people started to tag me and following all of my posts, which made it harder to come here and write and be so honest, to talk about the people or situations I found myself in and how they have affected my sensitive mind. I have a lot of things I want to talk about, but I don’t want to upset anyone or cause any problems or more drama, I am going through such a tough time and don’t want to push anyone away. But at the end of the day, this is MY blog, MY diary, MY place to open up and relate to  other readers that are experiencing the same things as me, to know they are not alone in what they are thinking, to clear up situations and understand them better that when they are circulating in my head.  I don’t want judgement, I don’t want negativity, but I suppose if I want to be honest and talk about my life and the people surrounding me then that’s what I may face, this is my place to vent and clear things up so if you don’t want to hear what I have to say or if you are going to use my personal diary against me, then look away now, unsubscribe or unfollow me as I have a lot that remains unsaid.

I have missed writing and have had to remind myself why I stated writing in the first place. I couldn’t speak up about my thoughts. I have no-one I want to tell everything too, I don’t want to burden anyone, I have no faith in the mental health support teams here in the UK after being let down on so many occasions and triggered in to many episodes after their rejection and BPD shaming (which I will come to a bit later.)

So here I am again, writing to myself, for others to see as my way of therapy. What follows is some honest accounts about my life, my relationships with others that have affected me and my disappointment in the mental health team and some really awful episodes I have been through recently which have shook my world once again. Everything has changed, I am feeling that now is the time to get my life in order (again) and leave behind as much negativity as possible.

Oh Joy! Answers.

Oh Joy! Answers.

This image pretty much sums up how I’m feeling right now. I’ve been lost for a few weeks, in a cycle of episodes, up, down, around, hyper, confused, anxious, excited, It’s been a real Borderline Roller Coaster but I knew that soon enough I would have an epiphany.

This happens now and again after I have these cycles of mixed emotions and feel like I’m stuck in a rut. Now that I know myself better and how my episodes and mood swings work,  I recognise the stages and I know that soon enough things will feel different.

It happened this morning, suddenly it all made sense and ideas and creativity were flowing, its been staring me in the face and I had been working towards my goals without even knowing they were my goals. I now feel excited, relieved to have found a solution to end my angst and my creative juices are flowing. I’m ready for new adventures and challenges and suddenly I  know exactly what I need to do. I have found my path and realised what my next steps are to further my career.

It feels pretty great, It’s fascinating how the Borderline mind works..passion, creativity and our ability to change are my favourite traits.

It has been suggested that Vincent Van Gogh, who famously cut off part of his own ear, and writers Ernest Hemingway and Sylvia Plath, both who took their own lives, may have suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder. They are just some of many famous creative icons who supposedly struggled with BPD.

For me; I’m all about embracing the positives of this disorder. If you need me, I’ll be busy for the next few days, planning world domination..

My creative gifts are worth the mental illness, I’ve suffered for them.  

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BPD and Bi-Polar: The Differences

BPD and Bi-Polar: The Differences

Further to my recent post Misconceptions of BPD I would like to elaborate on another common view people have on the illness, it IS NOT Bi-Polar, there is a difference, now its easy to understand why people connect the two because there are similarities, in this post I would just like to establish how the two differ for those of you who have difficulty understanding.

For one thing, they’re technically different types of disorders. Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder, whereas BPD is a personality disorder

BPD & Bi-Polar both feature unstable moods.

Bipolar disorder:  The person can go from depression, “the lowest of lows,” to mania, “the highest of highs,” and back again. In mania, the person could “take on the world.” They feel great, they don’t feel a need for sleep, and their activity level could wear out a three year old. (Hypomania is similar to mania, but less severe.)

BPD: People with BPD can feel fine one minute, and be completely upset five minutes later. It’s like watching a tennis match between mood swings.

Both: Impulsivity is another common trait. People with these disorders can be like children about to dart out into a busy street, unless you catch them.

And now…drum roll please…the differences.

Bipolar disorder: affects your moods, but it’s not a function of basic personality development.

BPD is classified as a “dramatic” disorder, along with antisocial, histrionic, and narcissistic personality disorders.

The mood swings in both can be compared to the weather.

BPD: Mood swings are more unstable. They often last a few hours, at most. It can be “sunny, rainy, windy, and calm,” all in one day. Borderline is considered a part of a person’s make up.  It’s not episodic. Symptoms tend to be a constant- though they can come and go in many different degrees.

Bipolar disorder: The moods may change, but the person stays in them longer–a few days, weeks, or more. It may rain steadily, or be sunny, but it’s a “consistent weather pattern” for a time. Bipolar is an episodic mood disorder. When not in a mood swing, the symptoms are not present

Another difference is how they start.

BPD: it’s usually something “external,” like an argument with a spouse or something that happens to trigger the episode.

Bipolar disorder: it’s more “internal” — happening “simply out of the blue.”

Another difference between bipolar and borderline personality disorder is the types of emotions people with these disorders experience. People with BPD may view themselves as fundamentally bad or unworthy and are more prone to feelings of loneliness, emptiness and a severe fear of abandonment.

What is BPD?

Narrow Minded People, Do You Fit The Bill?

Narrow Minded People, Do You Fit The Bill?

It has come to my attention recently that I know a few people who are sadly, very narrow minded, its hard for me to look at the world through their eyes and to be honest, I pity them because they seem to be missing out on so much. I personally would describe myself as broad minded, but  I have  found myself  generalizing on occasion though I am quick to remind myself how I would feel if I were being judged in such manner? would EVERYONE agree with my choices? Most certainly not!

The difference between broad-minded and narrow-minded according to the dictionary online.

 

nar·row-mind·ed
adj.

Lacking tolerance, breadth of view, or sympathy; petty. 
-Having a biased or illiberal viewpoint; bigoted, intolerant, or prejudiced
broad-minded
adj
Tolerant of opposing viewpoints; not prejudiced; liberal
-Not easily shocked by permissive sexual habits, pornography, etc
.
.

Narrow-minded people are not evil. They just have a limited sphere of thinking. While some of these people become narrow-minded after being exposed to harsh realities of life, others just lack education, varied experiences and most importantly – unconditional acceptance and love they deserve. Narrow-mindedness is not a permanent condition. You just need to do an honest self-analysis and start working on your thinking habits, one step at a time.

Here is the list of  signs that may show you you’re a narrow minded person.

You tend to generalize everything:

Every human being has the tendency to generalize an opinion. For example, if a handful of people from Italy were unkind to you during your trip to the United States, you may or may not generalize that all Italians are rude, dangerous and obnoxious. A narrow-minded person almost certainly chooses to generalize in such cases. Some common examples are – Everyone in Pakistan is a terrorist, all gold medalist athletes used performance enhancing drugs, all political leaders are corrupt and all government officials take bribes.

You tend to generalize everything - Signs You're a Narrow Minded Person

 Your Judgemental:

Having pre-conceived notions about people, events and several other things without valid reasons is a common sign of narrow-mindedness. If you judge a person, movie, book, leader, officer or anyone else very quickly, it’s possible your mind has become habitual to ‘presume’ than to analyze and discover. A narrow-minded person tends to see a dozen things the same way he found the first one.

You’re judgmental - Signs You're a Narrow Minded Person

 You do not discuss your core beliefs with everyone:

While some people just like to keep their core beliefs and ideas about life to themselves, there are many others, who keep them from friends, family members and relatives simply because they cannot stand contrary arguments. If you’ve never discussed such things with ‘anyone’ in your life, you’re probably rolling down a narrow lane in your mind, unwilling to ride on a wide highway with others.

You do not discuss your core beliefs with anyone - Signs You're a Narrow Minded Person

You enjoy pin-pointing the shortcomings:

A large number of people enjoy pin-pointing wrongs in the society a lot more than they appreciate things that are just as they should be. Even if you consider the last 48 hours of your life, you can easily analyze if you’ve been mostly whining or feeling grateful. If you have been complaining about corruption, public callousness, poverty, crimes etc. 20 times a day, you’ve probably narrowed down your thinking to everything negative in this world. This is one of the easiest signs of narrow-mindedness that you can recognize.

You enjoy pin-pointing the shortcomings - Signs You're a Narrow Minded Person

 You’re not open to new ideas:

A narrow-minded person may appear conservative, liberal, religious or spiritual on the surface. Deep down, however, such a person lives inside a closed shell, unwilling to expose himself to new opinions even if they’re based on facts and obvious realities. A religious person, for example, may just refuse to accept that his religion is not the ‘best religion’ in the world.

You are not open to new ideas - Signs You're a Narrow Minded Person

You contact your friends only when you’re sad:

If you’ve a tendency to contact your ‘close’ friends only when you’re depressed or frustrated, chances are you have been paying little or no attention to them. It is possible that you do not seek their company in happy-times. It is not wrong to reach out to people you think you love and trust when you’re physically, mentally or emotionally weak. However, it is certainly a sign of narrow-mindedness if you feel the need to call or meet friends only when you’re not happy.

You contact your friends only when you are sad - Signs You're a Narrow Minded Person

 You fail to interact well with someone after you discover a negative part of their personality:

It’s not easy to recognize this tendency, especially when you’re doing self-analysis. The best you can do is to recall some incidents when a friend acted stupid, selfish or childish. If the nature of relationship between the two of you changed after just one incident, chances are you focus more on the negative side of your friend’s personality.

You fail to interact well with a friend once you discover a negative part of his personality - Signs You're a Narrow Minded Person

 You do not like anyone that disagrees with you:

If you like everyone to be in perfect agreement with everything you believe in, it is possible you haven’t rationally considered their life experiences. There are very few people in the world who are either 99% selfless or 99% selfish. If you find it hard to stand disagreements, whether at workplace, family life or in personal relationships, you’re almost certainly becoming narrow minded. It’s important that you learn to disagree happily.

You do not like anyone who disagrees with you - Signs You're a Narrow Minded Person

 You’re obsessed with righteousness:

Some people like to be right on all occasions. Even if they’re aware of their wrongdoings and blunders, they try to tuck it deep in their hearts and pretend being righteous in front of family members, friends and colleagues. If you cannot recall occasions when you apologized for something, laughed at your blunders with near and dear ones or openly accepted your mistakes, chances are you’ve spoiled your mind!

You’re obsessed with righteousness - Signs You're a Narrow Minded Person

Job Identity, Who Will I Be Today? (The Chameleon Effect, BPD)

Job Identity, Who Will I Be Today? (The Chameleon Effect, BPD)

At 25 years old, I have been a market trader selling several different products, designed clothes, owned and ran a cleaning business, been a personal assistant, worked in a chip shop, worked for a company selling mortgages, sold wholesale jewellery,, sold lingerie, became a life coach, became a professional organiser, attended many courses covering a diverse range of subjects, I have even been runner up in a national competition that thousands across Britain entered, I won trading space, membership to the NMTF and I was invited to the houses of parliament.. I set that business up in 2 weeks after I heard about the competition, I thought ‘I could do this’ …and I did.

I have written business plans for all kinds of new businesses that I intended to start, I have made websites (lots of them) for different businesses I also intended to start. I have done charity work, researched other people’s businesses and taught myself everything I needed to know in order to help them in theirs. I have even started up businesses for other people and helped them get thousands in funding for their start up’s.

And here I am, still searching for what I want… stability, for what most of my friends have; they know their career path, they have walked it for years and specialise in one subject, rather than like myself.  ‘I’m a ‘jack of all trades, master of none’

I suppose I am grateful to be wiser from the things I have learnt and I am able to use my skills in my life to help myself and others. It’s also a great skill to be able to adapt to any situation, or be able to become anyone I need to be in order to fit in with my surroundings and  achieve what I want…  Its exciting!  But it’s also very frustrating,
I left school early due to not being able to complete it, even though I was more than capable of achieving good grades.

It’s 10 years later now, and I’m still no closer to know where I am, what I want to do with my career, I get bored easily, I like the idea of starting over too much, I change my mind depending on who is in my life at that time, what careers they have and even when I read a good book I see how fantastic their life & jobs are and find myself researching their line of work, convinced this is what I should be doing!

This is all down to what we call ‘The Chameleon effect’  “One of the biggest and most challenging aspects of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is often ‘The Chameleon Effect’ – or ‘mirroring’. This is the constant, unconscious change in the person’s ‘self’, as they struggle to fit in with their environment, or the people around them. It is, essentially, a fluctuating identity. It is the manifestation of a basic inability or difficulty in establishing a stable sense of self.”

I have spoken about The indecisive mind of a Borderline in a previous post, I have also  shared some of my research and business ideas in the Boost Your Income category on this blog.

Although its taking forever to find my way, I know I will get there eventually and by being adaptable I will learn a wide range of skills and be able to use them to my advantage in the future.

When it comes to my career path, I believe in myself,in my skills and abilities, I am passionate about business and have every faith I will be successful when the time is right.  I believe everything happens for a reason, and when things go wrong it’s because I am being directed to something better.

 

chameleon