Pregnancy and BPD. It’s Not All Shits And Giggles

Pregnancy and BPD. It’s Not All Shits And Giggles

Last year I went through lots of tests and procedures in hospital, myself and my partner were then referred to a fertility clinic because I was told I had problems with my Fallopian tubes, because they were badly damaged and I had some other problems that were causing me a lot of pain. At one point I was told to get a hysterectomy as it’s the only way to stop the pain, I have an 11-year-old daughter but I was just 28 I didn’t want to turn off my ovaries just like that, it didn’t feel like the right thing to do even though I knew I would have to face facts that I may not be able to have another baby.  After so much bad news we received the final blow, my partner had zero sperm. We were told that I would need to lose 4 stone and pay for any further treatment as there was nothing available for us. We were devastated but we decided to accept the fact that it wasnt meant to be, we couldn’t put our relationship under that kind of tress and I had suffered after each appointment with my mental health and it was really having a big impact on the way I was feeling.

We went away in November and decided that would be it, we would come back and keep creating a better life for the 3 of us and we would travel more as its my favourite thing in the world! We booked a multi centre holiday to Thailand, Hong King & Dubai to take our minds of everything and I took time to convince myself that life would be better if i didn’t have another baby anyway, that there was so many more opportunities for us and my daughter was all grown up so we had it good,

I decided to tackle my weight, first of all my medication was a big factor in this so I started coming ff my pregabalin (lyrica) 75ml at a time, I had heard everywhere that this wasnt a good idea but my psychologist insisted this would be a great idea and I wouldn’t need it much longer anyway. She also told me not to take the anti depressant I had been given as it’s not a good idea to start a new therapy and new medication at the same time, so them being the ‘professionals’ that’s exactly what I did.

The withdrawal was horrific, weeks of pain, feeling sick, no sleep, crippling anxiety, crying, depression, I couldn’t leave the house and was an emotional wreck. I was hoping it would get better but I haven’t been the same since. a few weeks later I was still in withdrawal and my medication had been halved by this time. I decided one morning after feeling really unwell that I would take a pregnancy test, low and behold it was positive! (and so was the next one)

We couldn’t believe our luck! for the first few days it was so exciting! Then I began to worry as it was so early, I cried every time I had eaten something or done something that might affect the baby. We had a 7 week scan and it was a tiny dot. Then a few days later.. everything turned upside down.

With me already being so mentally unstable and the shock of everything, anxiety and the black cloud took over…I began to dread the whole thing, I hated myself, I hated my life and as awful as it may sound I resented the baby for making me feel this way. I was hysterical every day for weeks, I was self harming and eventually became suicidal. I was so distraught by my situation i was in the worst state I have seen myself in…probably ever actually. I cried hysterically day and night, I didn’t want to have the baby I thought it had ruined my life, I couldn’t see myself as a mother again, I couldn’t fit a baby into my life.

Deep down I kept telling myself  ‘you tried for 2 years for a baby, you must have thought a baby would fit into your life somewhere for all that time!‘ I didn’t understand why everything seemed different now, I felt doomed I was trapped as my partner was overjoyed and hasn’t got any children, so I didn’t want to hurt him but I was sure something had to give, it was a case of my sanity of the baby. Ir reached out to the mental heath team desperate for help, they made an appointment and told me to come of my medication straight away because of the pregnancy! I said that I couldn’t stop my medication, I had been so ill for weeks just reducing it and that I am suicidal so don’t think it’s the best idea, it would be more of a risk and I couldn’t possibly  feel any worse than I already did as I wouldn’t have coped.

The psychiatrist told me I shouldn’t have listened to the psychologist in the fist place with regards to medication, that it’s not her job..how was I to know that? I trusted the professionals.

I was referred to the perinatal team (Mother and Baby Mental Health Service) and was told I would be on a waiting list for 2 months before an appointment. They didn’t understand, it would be too late by then, I was ready to terminate the baby I had waited so long for. I begged and cried like never before. I was self harming more and suicidal thoughts were constant. I called the crisis team every time I was hysterical, at one point it was 3 days in a row, they promised to help me and kept referring me to the CMHT (community mental health team) who then kept repeating that the only person that could help me in the whole country was Doctor Cairns, the Perinatal doctor.

Getting through to this doctor was like purchasing rocking hose poop, it was impossible. I went on to write down all my symptoms I was experience, I was having bad  dissociation episodes and I hated every aspect of my life. To gain help I wrote out notes from an assessment that I done on myself so that I was giving them as much info as possible to allow them to help me in the best way, it was my only option.

Lets see what you make of this: Here is what I sent to them describing my feelings at the time and the hell I was going through, I was begging for help out of this hole:

My current situation 05/02/2017

 

  • Suddenly uncomfortable and unhappy in my home, I don’t want to be here anymore.
  • Hate everything about my home, have a bad feeling towards it
    Don’t want to sleep in my own bed or want to sit on my sofa – gives me an uneasy feeling
  • Smells that have been introduced to my house in the last few months trigger me to feel anxious for example a new spray we started to use – new ornaments or changes I have made to try to improve have been taken down
  • Panicking when I know I have to be in the house (after going away for the night I cried for 2 days and didn’t want tor return)
  • No pleasure in doing things
  • Coping techniques not working, cant distract myself
  • Feeling very confused and lost
  • Disconnected from everyone and everything
  • Spaced out, dissociating
  • No concentration
  • No feelings towards anyone or any excitement or other emotions just don’t feel there. I feel like there is something wrong, like I’m out of control and I don’t know myself
  • I feel like I have to move house desperately as I can’t bear to live here anymore – I loved my house a few months ago and spent a lot of time and money n it.
  • I can’t bring myself to talk about the baby or make plans
  • Scared as I don’t feel anything towards baby, I feel disconnected.
  • After trying for years and being told I was infertile, I was devastated I know how badly I wanted to be pregnant and had well thought it through. All of a sudden I don’t feel like that anymore? Doubts.
  • Nothing feels real, I just don’t feel like my life is mine and can’t put my finger on it. I thought I was happy months ago.
  • I haven’t been sleeping well
  • Suicidal thoughts, feel like everyone is better without me and that I just want it all to stop
  • Thoughts of termination as I don’t think I can handle all this. But this would put pressure on my relationship and hurt my supportive partner and I may regret it and suffer even more when I recover
  • I have an anxious, frightened feeling and I’m on autopilot the only think keeping me going is deep down I know I must have a routine for Emily and protect her and that I must have a font for my partner and to not hurt the baby.
  • When I look at photos from November I feel like that was me. I don’t know who I am now, I look and feel different and have different feelings, I can’t explain it very well but its like my mind is carrying on and my body is just working itself.
  • I feel like I’m going crazy,  I don’t know whats happening to me. I want to be excited and enjoy pregnancy, but I just feel it’s an inconvenience and I am scared of when the baby is born and how I will feel and cope..

Timeline of events leading to this time. 

I have recognised that I have felt like this before when I was going through my court case for historical abuse. I done treatment work on PTSD and dissociative disorder. I have looked back on my blog and have noticed similar feeling to now. I have written a timeline of significant things to identify the triggers or any similar trauma that could have affected me or created my problems.

  • Feb 2016:Abuser released from prison on my birthday (a year ago this Friday)

  • Throughout the year I had many problems with my health, and had a bad experience with a doctor when I told him my physical pain and he wouldn’t believe me and told me it was all in my head I struggled with my mental health and felt none could help me, it triggered an episode.
  • I was eventually treated and had an operation to remove my bowel from my ovaries and I was told I was infertile
  • There was mixed consultations to whether I could have children I we were told conflicting things and I was at one point told the only way to get rid of pain was a hysterectomy which I refused.
  • We went to fertility centre and went through treatment with them and told my partner had zero sperm and we had a difficult time and more episodes triggered
  • We eventually accepted that we couldn’t go on trying and put up with the strain it was having on our relationship and my health and decided not to have further treatment which was difficult
  • In November we went to Thailand for 3 weeks – I had family problems and realised that family relationships with my family weren’t what I thought
  • There was arguments and I felt alone and my mother ans sister hurt my feelings and I realised that again my expectations from the relationships were not reality, which was difficult for me to comprehend
  • I came back and started psychology – this opened up a can of worms, we began by talking about the secondary trauma from the court-case but seemed to focus on my bad relationship with my father. I was advised to stop pregabalin and not t take the antidepressants. At the end of the sessions as the psychologist couldn’t offer more I felt like I was leaft with ll these thoughts from things we had discussed, things about my past, and they were left not dealt with, I began feeling worse and I had come down off my pregabalin like she advised
  • I was really ill with withdrawal from taking 225mg less per day of pregabalin – this lasted weeks and I’ve never felt the same since. I had a low immune system so caught a flu and more illness
  • My car broke – I felt isolated and had already started to leave the house less and felt I was only safe and comfortable at home
  • I had a self employment meeting which I was so worried about, it led to a 3 week episode, which was really awful.
  • Found out I was pregnant – I was in shock and delighted for the first couple of days and then it all changed and I started to worry and have doubts and get confused about the situation and how it feels as I had accepted that I couldn’t have one. it is such a big change and I’m now suddenly confused and have no feeling. I am numb of all feelings and detached

 

Is that a normal situation? I carried n begging them for help and contacting the crisis team and anyone else I could to raise the alarm and get the support I needed, I was not going to commit suicide as I have  my daughter to look after  and I knew that I deep down did not want to terminate the baby. But in that state, what do I do?

I eventually was offered an emergency appointment a week later with this Dr Cairns. He spent the majority of an hour asking me about things that he had pulled from my records 7 years ago! Criminal history from when I was a child, I answered honestly to all questioned I cried as I spoke and I gave him my print out (as above) and explained my desperate situation. He told me and I quote

With Borderline Personality Disorder, There isn’t really any medication we can give to help it, there is not much we can do about it unfortunately.

I was so upset, by those words. Does that mean I’m fucked then? there’s no help whatsoever and because it’s a disorder that can’t be helped its tough luck? it’s not the first time I have heard words like these, it makes me wonder what they actually think of it. I instantly put my guard up. After speaking t him he was patronising and it was as if I was being dramatic and all the information I had given him wasnt relevant. I had a similar experience 2 years ago which can be found here .  On that occasion I wasnt wrong either, I had fertility problems and my ovaries were attached to my bowel causing so many problems..and that’s pretty much lead to where I am now.

I left the appointment with Dr Cairns after being told he would be in touch with some support. I heard nothing, from him or the mental health team.. I suffered, I hurt myself and I didn’t know what I could do we know we had to do this alone and just hope that I would get through it, but at the time I really didn’t think I would. I have not had an episode that lasted this long EVER. Which makes me think, is it prenatal depression? It didn’t feel like an episode, I recognise the symptoms and the cycle, this was something else altogether.

After 4 weeks or so, yes 4 weeks! of hearing nothing I received a letter from the perinatal team. I have never felt so insignificant as I did when I read it. it was a 2 page letter, the first 1 and a half pages were about things that had happened over 7 years ago! Which was a lifetime ago to me, Things move so fast in my life. Someone with BPD can relate to how long ago this was and how much will have happened and changed in that time. I was 21 for goodness sake, there was even details of a car accident I had been in 6 years ago. Why was it relevant to bring up my full psychiatric history and not deal with what was happening right now. In this letter his conclusion was basically
‘Had reasonable insight’

‘speech is normal’

She has experienced decompensation of her emotionally unstable disorder in the context of her psychotherapy uncovering historic traumas and then suddenly ending without resolution and acceptance of not having another child following a pregnancy’

‘There is clearly a risk that should her mental health deteriorate any more than there is a further risk of self harm but I don’t feel this is immediate’

Did he read any of my notes? Did he even listen to me? 

I felt ignored and still so upset and angry and that thee was no help for me, I had to keep on suffering alone. That letter sent me in another episode of despair, which also didn’t end well for me. I feel that I have been let down so much from the Mental Health team that I can’t trust them, they have messed with my head time and time again, they can’t be relied on, there’s not enough support or funding for them to help me.

Over the last few weeks through my depression I have managed to carry on with the support of my partner, I don’t have family around where I live  and I speak to my friend on a daily basis who has helped me talk things through each day until I was in a better place. I sought comfort and support from networking sites such as Netmums, where other mothers could give me advice and support and some guidance. it’s took a long time and I am still not in the light yet, though I’m now 4 month pregnant and can see clearer with regard s to the baby, It has finally sunk in and I am being practical about it. I am looking forward to finding out the sex on my next scan and when the baby comes I hope that it will all fall into place and I will love it like I love my daughter. I am constantly scared of not feeling connected to the baby again, as I grow my bump I feel more protective and I do worry about things like ‘what if I can’t do it?’ ‘what if i get ill’ but some say that this is me already being a good Mother and already thinking of whats best for my unborn child.

At the end of that letter the Doctor said that he would get me a CPN (community Psychiatric nurse) and a further appointment in 3 months time and that was that! This was February 24th. It’s now 27 March and 3 days ago I eventually got a call from his team to orange a CPN appointment, I made a complaint about my assessment and informed them I wasnt impressed with the outcome or the help I had received. I then received another letter from DR Cairns stating that I have rejected more help and didn’t find his assessment adequate therefore I am being discharged. Well thanks for that, Great support for mental health eh?

** Update**

I am now 5 month pregnant, I found out that I’m having a little boy and I seen him n the 4D scan, Finally my connection was there, I knew it had been all along but the black cloud of depression and mental health wouldn’t allow me to see it. I’m still struggling with the massive changes in my life but I’m on the mend mainly thanks to my husband. He has done everything he could for me to make me feel comfortable, support me and is constantly there to do as much as he can to get us through this. My older sister was messaged me everyday to reassure me that I would be OK and my friend is still like my therapist.. we are pregnant together so as you can imagine the messages of constant complaints, emotional support and those ‘Too Much Info’ messages are definitely for our eyes only.  I was failed once again by the mental health team a constantly live in fear of whether I’m going to be that mentally ill again soon, or if I will ever be myself again to be honest. I am looking forward to Junior coming along, I feel like I love him and want to protect him and can finally think positively about our future, I am glad I got through the first few months of the pregnancy, but I will always be disappointed I didn’t get to enjoy it and have peace of mind like other expectant mothers  do, the joys of Bordeline Personality Disorder.

I wanted to write this to show other people in my situation you are not alone, you shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling this way. It’s not all  shits and giggles. But it will get better, there is hope!

There is not enough help for mental health during pregnancy, I have recently seen campaigns about it so hopefully, If enough people speak up something will have to be done, In the meantime try and have some hope, even when you feel like there is no way out of the dark. Just keep soldiering on.  I do find myself feeling better about the pregnancy though I’m still very anxious and worrying, but not feeling so doom and gloom towards it. I noticed I started feeling even better when I could feel baby move, made it more real I suppose? Like he’s contacting me to say he is there. I also made myself talk about the pregnancy.  Even though deep down I knew it was what I’d wanted, I was very worried about telling people how I felt but telling them some of what I was feeling – shock, worry, stressed not some much the abortion part as I still feel incredibly guilty – they offered their support and finally the gender scan was my turning point.

I find just taking each day as it comes works best, and making sure you make time for yourself. I’ve started reading again and quite often disappear to bed early to lose myself in a book or a film. Still have the thoughts I started out with: is this the right decision? What’s going to happen after the birth? How will I cope with my mental health? If I’m feeling particularly bad I like to write it all down. Look at what I wrote and ask myself “What can I do to ease the worry?” And come up with a plan. I also think that they’re quite normal thoughts, it’s a big thing and I don’t think any to be parent doesn’t have these thoughts at least once.

I know the last thing you want to admit to people is that you’re not feeling ‘happy’ about this pregnancy but talking helps. Whether a stranger or your partner or a friend.

But take each day as it comes, and wait until you feel the first ‘flutters’  it helps when it starts feeling more real and the horrible tired sicky stage has passed.

All the best  to anyone who is experiencing the same.

Not everything that is faced can be changed, But nothing can be changed until its faced.

Not everything that is faced can be changed, But nothing can be changed until its faced.

It’s been a bittersweet month, I have had the saddest couple of weeks and the happiest, it’s a roller-coaster. I feel like what I can only relate to as a grieving process and it’s been exceptionally hard for me, although I have my partner and people around me I feel isolated, alone & misunderstood by  the people I love the most. It has been frustrating yet I have also had the most amazing time of my life with my partner who I finally a sense of belonging with, but my inability to cope with my BPD has become a huge burden.

I have recently been struggling and have relapsed, my family don’t know much about it or the extent of it or how it affects my daily life and I know they will never understand, I will never let them into that part of my life or show them those vulnerabilities. I feel sometimes when I do, it is used against me.  Other people seem to think everything is simple and I should just be grateful for what I have and not make things so complicated. I know it’s not as simple as that, my life with BPD and other mental heath problems, along with normal daily struggles &  everyday stresses is very complex.

I see things differently from others, I try so hard and I’m trying to learn how to accept not everybody loves and feels with the intensity like I do because of my BPD, not everyone has that intense empathy. I have come to realise my close relationships are no longer what I thought they once were, my place in my family isn’t what I thought it should be. I have always felt like I didn’t belong, I know they love me very much and If I needed them they would be there and I am grateful for this.

But realistically, I have come to see that they have totally different morals and priorities to me and how I thought we were meant to be with each other and that the loyalty and protection I offer, is sometime just one way.

I know that for myself I need to let go, to stop trying to be the one that is there for everyone as that way I will not feel let down when I don’t get the same treatment. I am trying to understand that sometimes my care and affection is not wanted nor my need to care recognised. I have had a false sense of my relationships and have struggled between what they are and what I want them to be. I definitely know that  I’m not the easiest person to love or to be around, but this confusion has caused me a lot of pain and more so recently, I am trying to learn how to deal with it.

As time has gone on and more things have happened with people I care about leaving me feel let down time and time again, or dismissing my feelings, putting other family members or loved ones before me but expecting me to put them first, I have begun to feel on the outside, invisible, sometimes excluded from the close bonds that formed between them.

They all seem to have some loyalty to certain others and hold them on a pedestal. No matter how much I go out of my way to try to keep them involved in my life, it is often thrown back in my face. If there is a problem, I will go out of my way to care for them and make them happy and sacrifice things, putting their feelings first, without them even knowing it because that’s just the way I was made, though its causing me more distress as time goes on.

Apparently because I have made an independent life for myself and put on a mask, some people seem to think I don’t need them as much as they need each other, which is hurtful. Sometimes this means I need them more. I know how pathetic that sounds but my need for reassurance and my constant craving to feel needed and wanted pains me and the loyalty I have for them is not returned.

I have  tried to snap out of feeling isolated, but kept noticing that they weren’t drawn to me at all, didn’t care about important occasions in my life, like they do for other members of the family and that my feeling, thoughts and needs didn’t seem to count.

Finally the dam broke on this trip away and I have spoken up about it a little bit to the family I am travelling with when there was a disagreement, but they reacted defensively, refusing to admit that when problems or misunderstanding arise that they were being unreasonable, accepting that their actions or reactions were a part of the problem or unnecessarily taking sides when it wasnt needed. I told them they were dismissing my feelings and I feel like they are pushing me out and protecting each other, it’s not always  me to blame though I wear my guilt on my sleeve and I take responsibility when I’m at fault.

This may seem a selfish way for me to react, but I feel for now, it is justified as it’s the final straw for me, everybody has their limits and to save my own sanity these issues need to be addressed. Expectation really has always been the root of my heartache.

But at home there is a lot that remains unsaid, I cannot carry on to always be the one that is always holding out the olive branch or trying to make an effort, whether right or wrong, ignoring my own feelings for the sake of someone else. Though I’m sure this will make me the bad guy when I do finally explode and I will then suffer from hearing the ‘typical her’ ‘ here we go again’ ‘just ignore her, she’s in one of her moods’

I have started to see things in others that I have chosen not to acknowledge before now. Selfishness, greed, ignorance and a lack of empathy and unwillingness to voluntarily help others. Which are things I cannot always relate to, because I tend to have the opposite of  these traits.

The dispute between my close ones has intensified as I continue to be defensive, I have felt evermore criticised and rejected. There has been a lot of things that have happened throughout my life, lots of rejection and situations that have led to this point.

Fed up,  I have given in and have started to snap and make people aware of their behaviours and that they are hurting me.  The hypersensitivity that BPD has then resulted in outbursts as I have let things build up, the hurt and the from those close to me that don’t love or think like I do and leads to feelings of rejection and isolation and in turn the focus becomes on my frustration and angry outburst which makes it difficult for me to address the initial problem and makes it easier for me and my mental health to become the blame for all problems, this then sets the stage for further sadness, anger, and fears of abandonment, which perpetuate the cycle of rejection and hostility.

My initial reaction is to cut everyone off, but I love my family and I know they love me, so for now I need to take a step back and get to grips with the way they are, I don’t have to like the way they choose to live or be to love them and vice versa.

We all don’t have to get on all the time. The times they have been their for me and helped me through or supported me, do not go unnoticed, I have had more crisis’ to deal with than your average person and I know that being there for me can becoming tiring. I am not disregarding that and as I’ve said before, I love my close ones dearly and I am certain that they love me to, that has never been in question. I have been trying to understand splitting more in order to help me understand the difference in how I view certain relationships.

Splitting is a very common defence mechanism in people with BPD, leading sufferers to view others, themselves and life events in all or nothing terms. Because of splitting, it is difficult for individuals with BPD to recognise that good people sometimes do things imperfectly or make mistakes. The experience of splitting is very confusing and frustrating for people with BPD and their loved ones. Splitting can interfere with relationships and work life, and can lead to intense anger and self-destructive behaviours.

I’m not ashamed to admit I have sought more help, I am back in the service and I  have begun seeing a new psychologist and I am looking forward to working with her as It’s not often that you can find someone to work with, who you can trust and relate to. I wanted to pen (or type) the things that I will be working on, I used to research and write more often and it helped me make sense of my jumble thoughts in my head causing me so much suffering and confusion, I haven’t slept for the last 2 nights so I thought I’d come back to my blog to help me vent and to gain a better understanding of why I may be feeling this way and how I am reacting to certain circumstances and situations that I am currently struggling with in my life in order for me to move on.

I will be publishing a number of subjects which I will be working on, and publishing my finding, so that I can draw on them when I need them.

These are some of the subjects I will be looking into that will hopefully help me overcome my latest difficulty:

  • Guilt & Shame
  • Complex Trauma and Secondary Trauma
  • Splitting
  • Acceptance

 

 

Writing your online dating profile? Take a look at these tips.

Writing your online dating profile? Take a look at these tips.

Be Honest. Always. Don’t lie about your height, age or weight: you’ll be found out soon enough. Don’t pretend to have a better job than you do, or that you’re more prepared for long-term commitment than you currently are. You don’t need to share all your dirty little secrets in your profile, but don’t create an awkward situation for yourself if it does lead to something.

How are you?’ is not a conversation starter. Try picking something you found interesting from my profile and asking me specifically about that.

Choose action shots: Wouldn’t you know, profile photos that demonstrate you playing your guitar or downhill skiing – even if your face isn’t showing – get more messages.

Get Over yourself. Don’t demand that your future partner love, worship, and adore you. Don’t list the qualities you believe you want. Instead, focus on what you have to offer. If you provide a list of dating rules or expectations, you wont be very popular.

Don’t do text speak. Just don’t. KK?

Never go into stalk mode. Sometimes guys just don’t take the hint. If we have chatted and nothing came of it, then a few weeks later you message again and we exchange a message or two. Lets not waste anymore time. “NEXT!”

Please ask about me. If you are not interested in what I have to say via messages, then I’m not likely to meet you in person for a meeting about how fantastic you are.

Never use your profile to write about the ex. Or about sex. Keep in mind the rules of first-date conversation and apply them to how you introduce yourself to strangers online, too.

Stay positive: Avoid negative tones and always be positive about yourself. Your profile is essentially your dating CV. You wouldn’t want a future employer to read anything negative, so why would you want a potential partner to read anything that isn’t positive?

Guys,If there is a female in your picture, you don’t look available or you look like a player. Guys, please stop using pictures of you and just one other woman. Oh, she’s your friend? Okay, yeah, whatever.

Don’t be pushy.  If you send someone a message and they reply to you with a “thanks, but no thanks” or they don’t bother replying at all, don’t try to convince them that you are the right person for them. They may change their mind on their own accord, but sending messages to them will make you seem scary.

Fill in every bit of your profile. Try to fill in as much information about yourself as possible, without writing an essay. Think about what your likes and dislikes are and what is important to you. Otherwise, how else will you become my future hubby?.

Don’t be weird, rude or sleazy. Enough said.

Check out my other posts.

Pimping your online dating profile.

How to write a dating profile and things you need to know.

Pimping Your Online Dating Profile? Examples Of What To & What Not To Write In Your Profile.

Pimping Your Online Dating Profile? Examples Of What To & What Not To Write In Your Profile.

First of all take a look at a recent post I wrote How to Write The Perfect Profile And Things You Need To Know 

For those of you that are totally clueless, I have done some snooping and found some examples of the good, the bad and the avoid like the plague.

p.s I know some of these have lots of spelling mistakes, but they are as I found them!

good bad

The Bad:

Header: no time for time wasters..

i have facebook if ur interested in talking. i wont talk to people who r up there own a***s.. so seriously dont msg me if u love urself
* alot of people dont like abreviations.. i do it, get over it, not cos im lazy i just find it easier with a busy life like mine
looking to find some 1 who i can trust..
cant b botherd to write any thing else at the minute

The Basic:

My name is Mark I’m 32 years of age 6ft 8 in height, so very tall lol. My hobbies include Walking, Travelling, Listening to Music, Socialising. Looking for friendship maybe more

Please get in touch if you would like to know anything else.

The Honest:

I am an easy going sort of lad who does not take himself seriously, can be quiet but once you get to know me I never shut up lol. thoughtful, respectful reliable, and honesty are a few of my good points people would say.
I work as a chef been in the trade for fifteen years, so cooking would be another good point of mine. Outside the kitchen I like to a with friends and family, in between that I go to the gym also a keen runner or anything that gets me a sweat on.
Football is a big passion avid Newcastle United supporter.
The music that fuels my life is dance and indie don’t mind a bit of chart stuff to depending what it is. I like to think of myself as unique because hey arent we all and thats what makes this life worth living.

Anything else you want to know just drop me a message and we will take it from there.

Hope to hear from you soon.

The Weird &  Witty:

I have never owned a goat. I have absolutely no interest in them. Quite frankly they bore me.

“Nice n’ Spicy” Nik Naks are my third favourite crisps.

My Favourite books include ‘A History Of Goats’ by Penn & Teller (so fascinating), ‘Cooking with Gypsies’ by Keith Floyd & the entire Callum Best mystery series.

My Favourite Movies include ‘Withnail and Me’, ‘Jurrasic Island’ & ‘Jeremy Guire’. (I’ve seen them so many times! I know them word for word!) Another guilty pleasure of mine is ‘Robocock Vs The Cyber Sluts’ (I cry every time!)

The music I like tends to be really underground and alternative. I like bands you probably haven’t even heard of yet. Let us say no more about it. I am cooler than you.

I don’t actually like food. I sustain myself by digesting a mixture of flour, water and grass. I sometimes put a glacé cherry on top but it’s purely ornamental and I eat round it and pop it back in the jar afterwards.

I spend a disproportionate amount of my time thinking about the video for ‘Put Yourself In My Place’ by Kylie Minogue. Specifically the fact that while floating in the spacecraft the left sleeve of her spacesuit is removed twice. I find it quite upsetting. I’m also massively addicted to drugs so I tend to think about ‘scoring’ my next ‘hit’ of delicious, delicious drugs.

My hobbies include drinking****ails and making websites censor perfectly acceptable words

The Boring

Headline: I have nothing to say.

Hi I’m dana I’m young and smart love fun and enjoying my life.

The Straight Talking

About me, oh no this is the worst bit!? Well my friends in a recent poll said that I am relaxed and easy-going, I know how to make them smile and cheer them up which must be a good thing….I am also loyal, honest and gregarious.

In my spare time I enjoy looking after myself, going to the gym, cycling, spending time with my friends and family and of course a few beers at the weekend!

I enjoy life as you never know what is around the corner, I love doing random things including weekends away exploring and visiting new places, and of course we all have a good holiday in the sun in our repertoire of enjoyment! I enjoy going to see live music, seeing a good comedian, cinema, watching Newcastle United and eating out to name a few.

I have been single for a few years now, not because I am a weirdo but I do not seem to have found that amazing girl who just makes life fall into place, I would like to settle down with the right person, are you out there? I would however rather stay as a happy singleton than part of an unhapppy couple.

I am not interested in crazy women who want to get married tomorrow, Rome was not built in a day! I have a good job (I am a driller, think Armageddon not DIY SOS!). I have got a full head of hair, my own teeth, and my own car.

The rest is for you to find out of course so if you sound of similar mind and enjoy some of the things that I do why not get in touch?

The one with the bad attitude

Back on here after meeting someone and thinking we were going to be in a relationship and she turned out to be the same as all the other timewasting  women out there. if there is actually anyone decent send me a message. cant be arsed filling this in again. might do it later. If your  a heffer or a nutjob don’t bother as I wont reply.

*update: Im coming off this crap soon as its getting me nowhere.

The leading free online dating site http://www.pof.com suggests that, If you want to be successful , try talking about these things:

1. Talk about your hobbies.
2. Talk about your goals and aspirations
3. Talk about yourself and what makes you unique.
4. Describe your taste in music.

They also offer these words of wisdom..

For your own safety, do not include your name, phone number or address.

People will read both your profile AND message when deciding if they should write back to you. If your profile is really lame it won’t matter how good your message is.

So now we have established the guidelines on what to & what not to write, I have put together a n example of how my profile would go..

I can get on with pretty much anyone, I’m not obsessed with myself, I wear my PJ’s all day after a night out and I couldn’t live off salads 😐

I love spending time with my family & friends, travelling, being spontaneous,  I enjoy good food, good company and  good music to have a dance to. (a night raving on the Biggmarket and a pasty from the 24hr Greggs afterwards is not for me I’m afraid, though I can’t say I haven’t tried it!)

If I don’t like you I’ll be polite and pleasant, If I do like you I will be sarcastic and tease you relentlessly… I think I have somehow gotten this backwards.

Don’t Forget to take a look at How to write the perfect online dating profile & things you need to know for lots of hints and tips to write the perfect profile and get you back out there!

Happy Fishing! 

 

How To Survive A Bad Break Up.

How To Survive A Bad Break Up.

I recently went through a break up, though it was my decision to end the relationship, it was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I was only married for 2 years and now I’m getting a divorce. I had a lot of support from my family & friends and  it took a lot of strength and courage but I am happy with my decision and life has never been better for me, I really had the chance to find myself.

I also have a friend that’s recently broke up with her partner, it was a pretty bad break up and she is in pieces and it’s heartbreaking to see.  When I split from my husband I searched the internet for some self-help, It kept me busy and it helped me understand what was happening, so I thought I would share some of the information with anyone who is suffering or has suffered from a bad break up.

For me I would say distraction, self-help and family/ friends are key to a break up. I read books, started blogging, focused on work and did things that I wouldn’t usually do when I was with my husband. I hope this post helps 🙂

“Not Until We Are Lost Do We Begin To Understand Ourselves”

Few people think that their marriage will end when they’re making their wedding vows, but the sad reality is that 4 in 5 marriages now end in divorce.

Any break-up is difficult to get through and the longer you’ve been together, the tougher it is no matter how prepared you are. So if you need help, follow our expert guide on what to expect and tips on how to cope.

How to get over a break-up: you can move on after divorce

‘How you cope with the breakdown of your relationship depends so much on whether it was you who ended it or your partner,’ says Relate counsellor, Denise Knowles

If you ended your relationship: You will have gone through the scenario so many times in your head, made important decisions already about how you will lead your future life, already started to make plans, even. So dealing with the final split will probably be manageable.

If your partner ended it: You will probably be in shock and your emotions will yo-yo from deep despair to anger, anxiety to guilt or relief, even. It will take time to heal. It’s perfectly normal to mourn the loss of your partner and go through a grieving process before you can come out at the other end and begin to feel yourself again.

You may be feeling very raw at the moment if you’ve recently split from your partner, but remember there is life after divorce and thousands of people go on to have fulfilling new lives after splitting up. People recover at different times, some bounce back quicker than others, so take each day as it comes and take baby steps towards recovering.

 

One Month

How you may be feeling

Remember, it’s early days and you’ll probably be feeling very vulnerable emotionally, numb and in shock. Most people feel a rollercoaster of emotions now. You may feel:

  • Very angry and resentful as the dreams and hopes you had for your future are gone.
  • Embarrassed and ashamed that what you thought was a solid marriage is over. You may not want to share your feelings with others.
  • In denial that the relationship has actually ended. You can’t imagine life without your partner and feel complete loss.
  • Guilty. That somehow it was your fault, even if it wasn’t.

 

How to get over a break-up: expert tip

Denise Knowles, Relate Counsellor says: ‘Don’t worry. All these very different reactions are perfectly normal. A relationship split is like a bereavement.

You may feel huge loss, be in complete shock, feel numb and long for what you had. Hundreds of questions keep running through your head.

Or you may be filled with anger towards your partner, and blame them for ruining everything. You’ll be shattered both emotionally and physically so don’t push yourself too hard.’

Key steps to take

  • You need good support at this stage. Do talk to someone close to you, a friend or family member. It will help keep things in perspective.
  • Don’t beat yourself up. Just because your relationship is over, doesn’t mean that you were wrong to trust your partner or that it was your fault.
  • Don’t push yourself too hard. Try not to worry if housework isn’t finished or the ironing is piling up. You really need this time for yourself.

 

2 Month

How you may be feeling

 

  • Your emotions will still be see-sawing. You may have started to sort out the practical elements of your split, such as childcare and work, but not dealt with how you really feel.
  • Your confidence may be low and you could feel depressed.
  • You may feel scared and that you could never trust again.
  • You’ll feel drained. All the emotional upset really does take its toll on your energy levels.

How to get over a break-up: expert tip

Denise from Relate says: ‘Keep some things familiar, so you know where you’re at. This isn’t the time to make rash, knee-jerk decisions – such as moving away – even if you feel like that would be the solution.

Having some routines you’re used to will help you get through the bad times. The pain still remains inside you, no matter how far you move away. Allow yourself time to gather strength before making any major decisions.’

Key steps to take

  • Deal with the anger. If it’s still eating you up you need to quash it now. Anger often masks what we’re really feeling ? scared and sad. If you can let go of it you can start to move on.
  • Keep talking. Try to open up to friends and family about how you feel.
  • Avoid the blame game. If you keep questioning what went wrong? Why? How? What did I do wrong? you get locked into more bitterness and heartache.
  • Look at what you think may have gone wrong. It will be painful, but try writing your thoughts down or talking them through with someone you can trust. It will really help you move on.

 

3 Month

How you may be feeling

  • Lacking in confidence. A break-up can really give your self esteem a knock.
  • Worried about your future and overwhelmed by the decisions you have to make.
  • You’ll probably feel more able now though to open up and talk more freely about your feelings.

How to get over a break-up: expert tip

Denise from Relate says: ‘It’s so important to tell your children the right way. Your children, if you have them, are the most important issue you will have to deal with during the divorce. They have to live through this split too and it can be a very difficult time for them.

Show a united front when explaining the break-up to them. Speak to your partner first and decide on what you are going to say. Don’t put each other down in front of the children. Explain that mummy and daddy can’t live together any more, but that they both love you very much and want to be with you whenever possible.’

Key steps to take

  • Keep looking after yourself. You may be finding it difficult to sleep as thoughts and questions play over and over in your mind. You may not be eating properly either and so your emotional state can impact on your general health. Take a multivitamin daily and try to grab sleep if and when you can.
  • See your GP for support. anti-depressants can help short-term if you’re feeling very low and are particularly good when used in conjunction with talking therapy/counselling.
  • Start to prioritise. You’ll probably feel ready now to at least address practical problems. Where you will live, arrangements for the children and finances so see a solicitor for advice or visit Divorce Aid for free independent help, legal and emotional advice.

 

6 Month

How you may be feeling

  • There’s some space in your mind now to start sorting through your emotions.
  • You may be starting to feel a bit stronger now, physically and mentally. You’re not so exhausted.
  • You’re still grieving, but the pain is maybe not as acute as it was.

How to get over a break-up: expert tip

Denise from Relate says: ‘Talking therapy would really help now. You’ll need someone you can talk to confidentially, so it may be wise to look outside family and friends and seek a counsellor’s advice.

You may feel bad if you blamed your partner and not feel able to rant in front of a friend, or not want your children to hear that you’re upset. You can be completely truthful about your feelings with a qualified counsellor. Contact Relate for your nearest branch on 0300 100 1234.’

Key steps to take

  • Make time to relax – whether going for a walk or taking a long bath, do whatever works to help you wind down. It’s really important to try to get rid of stress to help you cope with day to day problems.
  • Take baby steps – when you feel low it can seem like you’re getting nowhere and that any task you have to do is impossible to achieve. Make things achievable by taking small steps and setting small goals. It will give you a great confidence boost once you feel you have achieved something.
  • See your friends – you may not feel like letting your hair down right now, but force yourself to go out and have a laugh with your mates. It really is the best medicine.

 

1 Year

How you may be feeling

  • Your confidence may be lifting
  • You’ll probably be starting to accept your new status and your friends and family will be acknowledging the new you too.
  • You won’t be wanting to talk about your split all the time now.

How to get over a break-up: expert tip

Denise Knowles from Relate says: ‘It takes time for friends and family to get their heads around the changes in your life too. Around now they’ll be acknowledging your new status and have sorted out how they feel about the break-up. They feel they don’t have to walk on eggshells any more.’

Key steps to take

  • Plan ahead – write down a list of the things you’re going to do once you get through this difficult patch. Stick it on the fridge and when you feel low it will give you a lift.
  •  Fancy dating? There’s no right time to start dating, and after a divorce it can be a daunting prospect. But if you do feel like you’d like to meet someone, take it gently and start by meeting up with a group of people – men and women – first. Dating agencies can be a great way to meet someone safely.
  • Learn skills to help you re-build your life by joining a course. Relate runs: Moving forward: after a divorce or break-up. You’ll meet others who are going through break-ups and get loads of help on how to cope with your emotions and learn why relationships go wrong and how to have better relationships. Find out more at Relate

    Stay Positive, I promise it will get better… in the meantime take a look at my post 8 Reasons its great to be single and embrace your new status! 🙂

 

Gallery

Online Dating; How To Write The Perfect Profile And Things You Need To Know

Make an online dating profile that delivers a match! Be smart and specific, with honest information.

More and more relationships have gotten their start through matches made on online dating sites. What’s the secret to writing a great online dating profile that delivers positive results?

Know the type of person you want to attract

You won’t get what you need from an online dating service unless you are clear about what you want! Some of your expectations will be basic: Age, educational level, perhaps religious beliefs. Others are core values that you are seeking in a partner. Whatever your relationship goals are, be absolutely honest… and explain what you are looking for. This could be a long-term, committed relationship that might eventually lead to marriage, or simply someone compatible to have fun with now. Discussing what is important to you in a relationship gives the people reading your profile a sense of who you are and filters out those who are looking for a different kind of connection.

Describing yourself

Next to choosing your online dating site, the most important thing you’ll tackle is writing your profile. How you come across determines the type of person who will be attracted to you and want to make contact to explore the possibility of a relationship. Be yourself and be confident. You also need to be realistic and open-minded. Reflect your preferences but keep your expectations grounded in reality. There are nice ways to express absolutes without sounding exclusionary — “allergic to cigarette smoke” sounds more positive than “absolutely no smokers!”

A lighthearted and fun profile scores points, while negative comments discourage responses. Love your career, your hobbies, traveling? Talk about it and give potential matches some insight into who you really are. Embellishing the facts means you won’t make a true connection, so tell it like it really is. You don’t have to be specific about your age or physical appearance, but your results will be better if you don’t lie or stretch the truth. Remember that the goal here is to find a partner and that eventually you will be meeting in person. The extra 20 pounds or 10 years that you subtracted from your profile will come back to haunt you when you meet face-to-face.

Images

Put your best (genuine) face forward. Everyone knows a picture is worth a thousand words, so choose one that represents the true you. Photos of you 10 years and 40 pounds ago don’t help anyone, and neither does refusing to put up a photo at all. Those who are shallow, superficial, or just plain wrong for you are the only ones who are going to reject you on the basis of your photo. Be confident in who you really are.

First Communication

Make that first communication special and unique. This is where you really have a chance to let your personality shine through. It’s obvious when you’re writing one “You’re so great, I’d love to get to know you” letter and sending it to everyone. It doesn’t work in the bar, and it doesn’t work online. If you’re interested in someone, take the time to let them know.

Don’t be corny. Lines just don’t work, online or off. If you’re going to reach out and establish communication, you’re going to have to show the real you, and not just rely on cheesy lines. For many, pickup lines are a comfort zone, but that zone is never going to help you find the right person.

What to avoid

While online dating sites make an effort to screen their clients, it’s always smart to take safety precautions on your own. Don’t include specific information such as your address, phone number or place of employment on your profile. Most online sites also won’t list your last name to protect against unwanted contacts. Always be careful about the very personal information you share.

Avoid negative language and check your grammar and spelling before you submit your profile. You’re making a first impression, so polish it to a shine and present yourself well.

Don’t Forget

Virtual people have real feelings. You may think it’s okay to string someone along, to make fun of them, or to simply cut off communication one day, but these behaviors are as damaging as in offline life, if not more so. Online relationships often form a greater connection more quickly, and games and rejection can hurt even more. Always treat everyone as you’d like to be treated.

More Tips On Writing your Online Dating Profile

Writing your online dating profile is the most important thing you can do to attract someone. Your profile needs to be personal, interesting and at the same time give someone a general idea of who you are, without being too long or too short.

Post a headline about yourself tha twill draw people in. Take something that is different or unusual about you and include that in your headline. Don’t tell people things that are obvious. Use words carefully as opposed to merely coming up with uninteresting details about yourself. Don’t just write, “I enjoy cooking on the weekends.” Describe some of your specialties with detail. Most importantly, don’t brag. Bragging is a turn off. Disclosing facts about yourself is fine, but you shouldn’t do it to the point where you sound full of yourself.

Never, mention things about previous relationships or negative aspects of your life. Keep your description medium length, sweet and to the point.  Nobody needs to know about your stamp collection which you started in 1st grade, save those types of details for later. When people are searching through thousands of profiles, less is often much better.

It’s important to be as much yourself as possible while you write your dating profile. It’s dishonest to pretend that you possess qualities that you don’t.

Keep your photo current and up to date. Always make sure to smile. Never use re-touched photos. If you touch up photos to make yourself look thinner or if you are covering wrinkles or anything else that the person will see when they meet you, then you are not showing your true self.

The final step to writing an online dating profile is to review what you have written. Before you submit it, you should look it over. Make sure that it sounds good, has enough information about yourself that someone might possibly find it appealing.

Take a look at  Pimping your online dating profile? Examples of what to and what not to write in your profile.