Bits and bobs

Control Freak? OR Survivor? Perceive me as you will.

Recently I have been talking about my concerns over the way  I am perceived, the impact my mental health has in my life and how it often leads to being misunderstood and I become very upset and distressed. Living with an anxiety disorder & a personality disorder is tricky business and has to be approached in the way that is right for you, it’s all about learning how to cope.

Some particular recent events that have occurred during this particularly difficult year of my life have changed the way I think about myself and the way I  want to be in life. This has promoted me to take control of how my life is handled in order for me to be able to cope better and handle situations with my family, my friends , my work and most importantly myself.

I have realised that every time I have been upset or hurt or got into a state it has been triggered by someone or something other than what I should have been focusing on.

I love my job (though this doesn’t come without its setbacks)

I love my husband and he rarely does anything to hurt me or upset me badly (apart from the usual grumpiness on a morning and his frustrating inability to be on time) he supports me 100% , he knows me and how to handle me and he’s very good at nodding and pretending he’s listening to my ranting, he loves me deeply and I have no doubt about that.

I love my daughter who has grown into a lovely young lady she is everything I could have wanted her to become. She knows me so well and puts up with my constant worrying (and stressing) and helps me when I need her to,she is so well-behaved and causes us no problems. (Apart from having to tidy her terribly messy room twice a week) in our home we have routines, and boundaries and we talk to each other and we listen.

There’s certain ways I like to do things, and I come under scrutiny for it quite often. `I know how to regulate my emotions and minimise the stress or disruption to my life and my thoughts. I can be seen as a control freak, doing things my own way and pulling out all the stops to make sure things go smoothly. It may seem crazy and excessive to some, but to me, It’s how I stay sane. I know how much a tiny thing can cause an episode due to my BPD and I know that once I begin to fall, its extremely difficult to pick myself up again.

We have our own way of life and it works for us. Yes it settles my anxiety every day and there’s certain things to do to help me keep my cool. It’s not a big thing for us,its supporting each other so none of us suffer. Just small things like I relax more when the house is tidy and everything is in its place, when the bills are organised, when there’s food in the cupboards, when my daughter has what she needs and is all prepared for school, when we all know where we are meant to be and when and when we all settle down on an evening. If I am organising an event, it has to be done perfectly and run smoothly, every detail has to be exactly as I have it in my head. You know what they say ‘If you want a job doing properly, do it yourself’ Well I like to do things myself, to make sure they are exactly how I want them to be.

It may seem obsessive (and annoying) and I’m constantly doing what ever it takes to keep things in this order, but it matters to us. If there’s a stressful situation, between us we can handle it. There’s a solution to everything and for me, talking things out and communicating and making things fair for everyone is the key. It’s all about give and take. Sometimes it’s me giving everyone a kick up the backside to make.

Taking control of my surroundings and life events is tricky,as I don’t want to upset anyone. Yet I cannot live like that no more. It’s MY life these are MY memories and this is how I want to do them. If you don’t like the way I’m thinking, if you have other ideas..then that’s fine. But don’t bother rocking the boat or trying to change my mind.

I have to do whatever I can to get through my days, some people don’t understand the huge impact borderline personality disorder can have on my everyday life and how I can’t forget things that have been said, times that have went wrong or actions that have triggered me into an episode.

I’m well aware it doesn’t always work out well when things don’t go to plan and it can be disrupting for me or upsetting but t I know that the majority of the time, if boundaries are set and rules are in place then I can minimise the negative affects it has on my life and that’s what I intend to do from now on.

I know even my closest family wont understand my reasons and will disagree with everything I say, they will argue that I’m setting myself up to be disappointed but it’s just because they don’t know the real me well enough.

So here I go, from now on I make my own decisions. If you don’t like them. Fine. If you don’t want to be around me then. Fine. If you can’t respect my decisions. Fine. if you have a problem with it. Fine. If you have an opinion. Fine. Then you know what to do. Stay well clear!

I will not tolerate anything other than exactly what I want for my own life. It has to be said it works both ways, I will respect and support your decisions and ways of living even if I don’t agree with them or they differ.

Some may say I’m a control freak, I must agree that I am! But there’s method in my madness. I’m a survivor.

I did not ask for this life, yet I was given it anyway. And I am doing my best with it. 

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