When I started blogging, I was sharing some fun exciting post, but a lot of my posts are brutally honest about my life, my experiences and my Borderline Personality Disorder and mental health issues. it was a place I could be totally honest and open up and say whatever I want without upsetting anyone or having to skirt around things to make them sound like they weren’t so painful. I wanted to be truthful and really open up about the day-to-day reality of living with a personality disorder, to allow people to be able to relate to me and to say the things that are left unsaid, the crazy truth behind the mask.
What really goes on in our minds and the suffering myself and thousands of others with mental health issues have to endure every day. Often you think thinks in your head, but you wouldn’t dream of saying them out loud! what would people think? Would that upset people? Would that make them dislike me? They would think I’m crazy! I would feel guilty if I told them what I really thought of them! I would become paranoid, wondering what they would be saying about me or if they would stop talking to me. I have BPD, I have a fear of rejection and abandonment, so I often keep quiet and just put up with whoever it is or whatever it is that is on my mind, I bottle it up..which becomes dangerous for me in the long run. A comment you may make, which you never think about again would stay in my mind, I would be paranoid and convince myself I need to change and obsess over why you may have said it, what does this person really think of me?
Borderlines have great difficulty regulating our emotional actions and have an unfortunate tendency to lose ourselves in our own drama when we perceive that we are being attacked. For me these kinds of thing will occur at times when I am very stressed out by a situation or person. I will feel like they or everyone is out to get me and become very distressed (sometimes to the point of triggering self-harmful and difficult episodes). This will often be linked to being let down or hurt by someone I thought I could trust or rely or in some way. I will then feel like I can trust no-one, a ‘me against the world’ syndrome developing temporarily. During these episodes of paranoia and delusion I worry about what people think of me and feel there is something fundamentally wrong with me that causes people to hate me and treat me badly, I feel I don’t deserve to be happy or loved and that everyone would be better off without me, which can then lead to suicidal ideation’s. I get suspicious of everything and everyone, imaging a multitude of motivations for their action or inaction, with beliefs that they want to hurt me and are being nasty or taking advantage of me.
After a year or so of writing my blog became quite popular and we appeared on TV and radio stations and was featured in newspapers and suddenly everyone knew who I was, my friends and family, people I know, it was shared all over social media and people started to tag me and following all of my posts, which made it harder to come here and write and be so honest, to talk about the people or situations I found myself in and how they have affected my sensitive mind. I have a lot of things I want to talk about, but I don’t want to upset anyone or cause any problems or more drama, I am going through such a tough time and don’t want to push anyone away. But at the end of the day, this is MY blog, MY diary, MY place to open up and relate to other readers that are experiencing the same things as me, to know they are not alone in what they are thinking, to clear up situations and understand them better that when they are circulating in my head. I don’t want judgement, I don’t want negativity, but I suppose if I want to be honest and talk about my life and the people surrounding me then that’s what I may face, this is my place to vent and clear things up so if you don’t want to hear what I have to say or if you are going to use my personal diary against me, then look away now, unsubscribe or unfollow me as I have a lot that remains unsaid.
I have missed writing and have had to remind myself why I stated writing in the first place. I couldn’t speak up about my thoughts. I have no-one I want to tell everything too, I don’t want to burden anyone, I have no faith in the mental health support teams here in the UK after being let down on so many occasions and triggered in to many episodes after their rejection and BPD shaming (which I will come to a bit later.)
So here I am again, writing to myself, for others to see as my way of therapy. What follows is some honest accounts about my life, my relationships with others that have affected me and my disappointment in the mental health team and some really awful episodes I have been through recently which have shook my world once again. Everything has changed, I am feeling that now is the time to get my life in order (again) and leave behind as much negativity as possible.