As I wrote just days ago on this blog, I felt so rock-bottom. I was in despair and horribly confused. I’ve had many episodes like that, some much worse and I accept my condition and the way it makes me feel. I know that these things will happen from time to time but thankfully, it happens a lot less these days, as I’m lucky enough to have been able to use the coping strategies that I have learnt over the years. After an extreme low I always feel deep regret, embarrassment and shame because of the way I have been feeling, the way I have acted and of the thoughts I had during that time.
During this episode in particular, I somehow knew what was happening and that things would seem much different when it was over , thinking to myself ‘I have got through this befiore, and I wil again’. Though I still couldn’t control the way I felt, the sobbing, the anxiety, the worries that I had and the chronic emptiness, knowing that no-one will understand even if I try to explain. I was lucky enough to function on auto-pilot, I had to I’m a mother and I have a partner. They rely on me and they needed me to be OK even though I was dying inside.
Last night, after trying to pull myself together for days but not having the energy, I was in the kitchen making some tea and I was just pottering about and started singing.. then it dawned on me. I’M SINGING!
The thoughts have stopped racing through my head and I suddenly relaxed, thought about my situation and how my body felt, at this point the tension left my body and I felt a relief. It was over, I’m on my way back to my version of reality, I was beginning to feel human again.
I remember one day I complained to my mother that my daughter never stopped singing and it was driving me crazy, she told me ‘she must be happy and content then, you don’t sing when your sad’
Gaining so much knowledge in my condition over the years and being able to recognise the triggers, symptoms and feelings have helped me cope with my Borderline Personality Disorder. In this instance I put into place my Mindfulnes practice; Mndfulness is a great tool and I would highly recommend it to anyone suffering from any mental health problem.
What is mindfulness?
Mindfulness means knowing directly what is going on inside and outside ourselves, moment by moment.
“It’s easy to stop noticing the world around us. It’s also easy to lose touch with the way our bodies are feeling and to end up living ‘in our heads’ – caught up in our thoughts without stopping to notice how those thoughts are driving our emotions and behaviour,” he says.
Mark Williams professor of clinical psychology says “An important part of mindfulness is reconnecting with our bodies and the sensations they experience. This means waking up to the sights, sounds, smells and tastes of the present moment. Another important part of mindfulness is an awareness of our thoughts and feelings as they happen moment to moment. Awareness of this kind doesn’t start by trying to change or fix anything. It’s about allowing ourselves to see the present moment clearly. When we do that, it can positively change the way we see ourselves and our lives.”
Today I feel proud of myself, I pulled through it and that for the first time it hit me that I had learnt a new skill, I knew to recognise the end of the episode by being mindful. I also know my next phase is rebuilding myself. People recover in different ways, I rebuild myself by organising, creating to do lists and being productive, organising my clothes, getting new hair extensions and pampering myself and making plans for the future. I also recognise that by doing this it prepares me for the next depression or bad episode. So this is me back to my life, my beautiful mess.
I am interested to find out how you come to the realisation that your episode is over? or is there something that happens as you begin to descend into that state of depression or mania?
P.s I would also like to thank those of you that messaged me for your kind words of support, they made me feel less isolated in my time of need ❤