I havent wrote for a while, but I feel like I need to get this out as part of me moving on from this episode. I have had an awful week, it just isn’t getting any better. there is so much going on around me, really stressful things in my life. Money, friends, career, family & even the dreaded trauma feelings from historical abuse I suffered, has hit me like a ton of bricks as it’s nearing the abusers release date. It’s overwhelming me, I just don’t know how I’m coping.
Yesterday things took a turn for the worst for me, I recently wrote a post about the physical pain I was in and the problems I had been having with my doctor.. I was finally referred to the right people and I had a hospital appointment, When I got there I found out the reason for the discomfort and the problems I have been having trying to conceive..It turns out I have endometriosis. Which can cause infertility. I was faced with the options ‘try to conceive with a very slim chance and put up with the every day pain and discomfort or we can shut down the ovaries’ 😦
I have another appointment for MORE scans to check out the cysts on my ovaries and see if they will be removed and then I must have laparoscopy surgery to confirm the diagnosis and see if they can remove some of the tissue causing the problems conceiving, this may not be the case, but I am hoping this can be done aswell as the Cysts removed to increase my ‘slim’ chance of conceiving. I was informed after the surgery they would look into treatments for me. Though it doesn’t look good, I’m lucky enough to have been blessed with my daughter 10 years ago but that doesn’t take away the desperation I feel right now, It also means I’m unlikely to get fertility treatments and IVF with help from the National Health Service.
Along with everything else I am devastated, My Fiance (Yes Fiance..I got engaged!) is longing for a child and we now have to face the sad fact that I may not be able to provide him with one. Though he is so supportive, constantly reassuring me and tell me we will deal with it together and that I’m being crazy, he wants to marry me. I believe him. I can see he adores me, as can everyone that knows us personally. But I know deep down how much a child was part of his plan and even though right now this is OK, will it still be OK in 5 years time If it comes to IVF and it doesn’t work? What then? My anxiety is taking over, I can’t look in ‘the now’ I can’t rationalise.
This has triggered another horrible feeling for me to deal with. I’ve come to realise how I am so attached and dependant on him. We are planning a wedding, a huge commitment that I am totally 100% committed to. But that’s the issue..what if something happened to him? I don’t know how I would live if he wasn’t with me, I couldn’t face this life alone.. even though I found the strength before, I never felt this attached or afraid. I get a separation anxiety when he’s not around, I just don’t feel at ease. The minute he comes through the door everything seems easier to cope with.
Even if we are having a disagreement, I still desperately need him around to feel OK. So now I’m worried in case my life is all going to crumble. I’m not doubting him or our relationship, we are solid. But that’s why this is crazy, why am I this upset and scared about something that might never happen? or might not even be an issue. I don’t want to hold back and keep a barrier up where he is concerned (a typical BPD thing to do) and to be honest its to late to take a step back. I can’t help thinking, what if it’s out of my hands? Im already afraid of the emotions I would have to face.
My head just feels like its exploding. On the outside I am wearing my mask, still going on auto pilot, not crying until I’m alone, trying to act normal, listening to other people’s problems and continue pretending I have everything under control. But I don’t, I have no idea what to do I have thoughts racing through my mind I am really distressed extremely anxious.
I’m not sure how much longer I can do this, It’s got to the point where the self-harm thoughts are coming because I’m so frustrated. I just feel angry and have a lot of self-pity. I want to scream and cry and hide away.. I am not hysterical enough to phone the Crisis team.. is this a crisis? or just an episode? Or a reaction to the build up of negativity?
I keep telling myself that I have overcome these things before, I survived then and I will now. Thank God that I know how to use the self-help skills that I have learnt over the years, though even that’s a struggle. I’m so agitated I can’t even find the strength or enough focus to use some of my distraction skills that usually help me through. This time I’m running on hope, hope that it’s over soon. I feel very alone, I can’t tell no-one. I don’t know what to say. They won’t understand anyway. How can I explain something I don’t understand myself.?
I wake up on a morning and wait for bedtime, I don’t sleep well but in this state when I’m asleep, it’s the only time I escape my own head. I recognise the cycle, how it happens, how I feel and what feeling will come next. I’m just so overwhelmed, my feelings are spiralling out of control. Yet, I’m still somehow surviving.