How Do You Know When You Are Coming Out Of An Episode?

How Do You Know When You Are Coming Out Of An Episode?

As I wrote just days ago on this blog, I felt so rock-bottom. I was  in despair and horribly confused. I’ve had many episodes like that, some much worse and I accept my condition and the way it makes me feel. I know that these things will happen from time to time but thankfully, it happens a lot less these days,  as I’m lucky enough to have been able to use the coping strategies that I have learnt over the years. After an extreme low I always feel deep regret, embarrassment and shame because of the way I have been feeling, the way I have acted and of the thoughts I had during that time.

During this episode in particular, I somehow knew what was happening and that  things would seem much different when it was over , thinking to myself ‘I have got through this befiore, and I wil again’.  Though I still couldn’t control the way I felt, the sobbing, the anxiety, the worries that I had and the chronic emptiness, knowing that no-one will understand even if I try to explain.  I was lucky enough to function on auto-pilot, I had to I’m a mother and I have a partner. They rely on me and they needed me to be OK even though I was dying inside.

Last night, after trying to pull myself together for days but not having the energy, I was in the kitchen making some tea and I was just pottering about and started singing.. then it dawned on me. I’M SINGING!

The thoughts have stopped racing through my head and I suddenly relaxed, thought about my situation and how my body felt, at this point the tension left my body and I felt a relief. It was over, I’m on my way back to my version of reality, I was beginning to feel human again.

I remember one day I complained to my mother that my daughter never stopped singing and it was driving me crazy,  she told me ‘she must be happy and content then, you don’t sing when your sad’

Gaining so much knowledge in my condition over the years and being able to recognise the triggers, symptoms and feelings have helped me cope with my Borderline Personality Disorder.  In this instance I put into place my Mindfulnes practice; Mndfulness is a great tool and I would highly recommend it to anyone suffering from any mental health problem.

What is mindfulness?

Mindfulness means knowing directly what is going on inside and outside ourselves, moment by moment.

“It’s easy to stop noticing the world around us. It’s also easy to lose touch with the way our bodies are feeling and to end up living ‘in our heads’ – caught up in our thoughts without stopping to notice how those thoughts are driving our emotions and behaviour,” he says.

Mark Williams professor of clinical psychology says “An important part of mindfulness is reconnecting with our bodies and the sensations they experience. This means waking up to the sights, sounds, smells and tastes of the present moment.  Another important part of mindfulness is an awareness of our thoughts and feelings as they happen moment to moment. Awareness of this kind doesn’t start by trying to change or fix anything. It’s about allowing ourselves to see the present moment clearly. When we do that, it can positively change the way we see ourselves and our lives.”

Today I feel proud of myself, I pulled through it and that for the first time it hit me that I had learnt a new skill, I knew to recognise the end of the episode by being mindful. I also know my next phase is rebuilding myself. People recover in different ways, I rebuild myself by organising, creating to do lists and being productive, organising my clothes, getting new hair extensions and pampering myself and making plans for the future. I also recognise that by doing this it prepares me for the next depression or bad episode.  So this is me back to my life, my beautiful mess.

I am interested to find out how you come to the realisation that your episode is over? or is there something that happens as you begin to descend into that state of depression or mania? 

P.s I would also like to thank those of you that messaged me for your kind words of support, they made me feel less isolated in my time of need ❤

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pimping Your Online Dating Profile? Examples Of What To & What Not To Write In Your Profile.

Pimping Your Online Dating Profile? Examples Of What To & What Not To Write In Your Profile.

With Christmas over and the New Year upon us many of you singletons will be focusing on your New Year resolutions, and searching for love in 2016!

Have you pledged to jump on the bandwagon? NO? ..Maybe you should!

Since online dating is more socially acceptable these days and is no longer seen as embarrasing or as a desperate move… The time to join is now! You won’t be alone. This time of year is the busiest time to look for a romatic partner online according to the top dating sites.

So, now you have been persuaded to seize the day, what do I do next? I hear you ask….and I say; You stand out from the crrowd, of course!

Here is how to pimp your profile.

Thank me later 😉

First of all take a look at a recent post I wrote How to Write The Perfect Profile And Things You Need To Know 

For those of you that are totally clueless, I have done some snooping and found some examples of the good, the bad and the avoid like the plague.

p.s I know some of these have lots of spelling mistakes, but they are as I found them!

good bad

The Bad:

Header: no time for time wasters..

i have facebook if ur interested in talking. i wont talk to people who r up there own a***s.. so seriously dont msg me if u love urself
* alot of people dont like abreviations.. i do it, get over it, not cos im lazy i just find it easier with a busy life like mine
looking to find some 1 who i can trust..
cant b botherd to write any thing…

View original post 1,134 more words

My Slimming World Tips For Convenience & Success

My Slimming World Tips For Convenience & Success

Today is the Day I Rejoin Slimming World! I am planning a Wedding and Engagement Party (Not in that order) and I refuse to feel crappy on those days that cameras will be everywhere. I also have a lovely month long trip to Thailand where I will be visiting a wedding planner! Eek, so much excitement, so many wobbly bits to shift.

My very popular post Want to Lose Wight with Unlimited amounts of Pasta, Potatoes, Meat Etc. Then try Slimming World for FREE my Plan has been going a bit crazy with all the New Years Resolutions and I have decided to jump back on the bandwagon. It was created quite some time ago so a few things may have changed slightly but not much! So I’m happy with it. I have also been using the wonderful world of social media to find some handy tips that I will be using to get a kick-start.

  • I am trying to keep some variety in my diet so have come up with the idea to have a club night each night so I can easily manage my shopping  &don’t get bored with the same foods day in and day out.

Bridget Of The North - Menu Nights

  • I have cut up a bag of potatoes into chips and into fritters with the peel left on as I find it crisps up nicely.  I then par boil them, let them dry out completely and put them into freezer bags and freeze them. so they are loke frozen chips, when I cook chips for the family, Mine are also ready to take out place on a backing tray spray with Fry light and cook the same way.
    • I’m also going to do the same with my roasties, but I sprinkle OXO cube on them like a marinade and when I cook a pour a little bit of stock in the bottom of the tray for it to soak up and they dry out so tasty!
  • I have found these handy Healthy Extras Images from pintrest- Source http://www.myweightlossdream.co.uk

slimming-world-healthy-extras-bslimming-world-healthy-extras-a

  • Slimming World Iceland Meals. I am ALL about convenience! I hate cooking and just despise being in the kitchen. So When they brought out these I was so relieved! The sausages are lovely and are FREE FOODS aswell as the Ready Meals and Other items such as soups, burgers etc! They cost around £3 a meal but usually have offers on too. My favourite is the Chicken Tikka I throw in a tin of New Potatoes and share it with my boyfriend, he loves it too even though he doesn’t diet.
    Chicken Tikka_Platter_OL

Iceland Slimming World

 

 

  • Remember why you are doing this?
    • To Increase my chances of conceiving
    • To feel good about my self
    • To look better in my clothes
    • To not be so self conscious on holiday
    • To look FABULOUS at my Engagement
    • To look even more FABULOUS at my Wedding
    • To look good for my Fiance
    • To walk into any shop and choose what I like
    • For the BEFORE & AFTER picture
    • For a flatter stomach
    • To be proud of myself
    • To make my daughter proud & set a good example
    • To have those ‘Damn I look good’ mirror moments
  • Speed Soup & Lots of it! it will boost your  weight loss. As usual everything is just convenience for me, So I turn on the slow cooker then stick these in (or whatever speed food I can get my hands on in the kitchen)
    • Tin of mixed bean salad (drained)
    • Tin of green lentils (drained)
    • 2 cans of chopped tomato
    • 1 can of baked beans (drained)
    • large leeks (chopped)
    • Onion (diced)
    • Carrots (chopped)
    • Parsnips (diced)
    • Green pepper
    • Red pepper
    • Yellow pepper
    • Chilli Peppers
    • 2 stock cubes and enough water to cover.
      VOILA! I put it in to bowls and freeze it, you could have it chunky or blend (which I prefer) and then have some each day throughout the week for a boost.
  • Wonderful Water. Enough Said
  • I have purchased a recipe book fo me to write in all my favourite Snacks, Desserts & Mains so that I dont get bored and dont forget the good ones!
  • I have bought a fondue set – Melted freddo 5 Syns and lots of strawberries & other fruit to dip! Perfect for our Frieday night in.
  • I have purchased an Omelette Maker from Aldi for £11.99! They taste great and stop me being hungry late night.
  • Fakeaways. Like Takeaways, but fake! This book, is well worth a buy. (Shop around it might be cheaper) Its great and some of them are pretty easy. If I can do them, you can!  🙂

     

  • Now, what I’m about to say will shock people and it will be frowned upon. I will not be following plan every day. I will be having Saturday OFF! I tend to drink alcohol, go out for meals, visit friends and can do this whilst losing weight (although it will slow weight loss) by following plan every other day. Its my cheat day, my choice and I couldn’t cope without it!
  • Oh and last but not least, I have this on my Birthday List! I NEED it.$_12

I have copied my food ideas below. But to anyone who’s following the plan, leave me your tips please! and Good Luck with your journey!


Menu Ideas

Breakfast

Bacon Sandwich (B Choice)

Egg on Toast (B Choice) . Scrambled/ Fried with Fry Light or poached

Omelette
Bran Flakes (B Choice)  with Milk (A Choice)

Shredded Wheat

B Choice- Milk -A Choice

Dippy Eggs & Soldiers

Bread- B Choice

Meals

Shepard’s Pie

Cheese- A Choice

Slimming World Chips, Eggs & Spaghetti

Ham Sandwich, Crisps, Lettuce- Mayo

Bread- B Choice- Crisps- Asda ready salted  – Mayo 0.5 syn

Chinese Takeaway , Chicken Chow Mein (7 Syns)

Steak, Mushrooms, Onions (Fried in fry Light) and Frozen Chips (100g 3 1/2 syns)

Nandos Chicken & chips

Chilli slow cooker

Pulled pork

Hotpot

Omelette

Pasta Tomatoes Cheese Beans

Tune Pasta

Jacket Potatoe

SW Chips

SW Roast Potatoes (Roasties)

Roast dinner

Meat, potatoes & peas

Stew

Grilled Slimming World burger (1/2 Syn from Butchers) 100g Frozen Chips (3 1/2 Syns) Tinned Spaghetti (Free Food)

Spaghetti Bolognese.  Mince, Pasatta, Mushrooms, Tomatoes & Onions.

Snacks

Diet Coke

Fruit

Fruit Cocktail

Low Fat Yogurt

Crab Sticks

Mussels

Chicken

Ham & Pease Pudding Rolls

Strawberries & Yogurt

Yogurt, 1 crumbled digestive biscuit

Yogurt & Banana

Options Hot Choc (2 Syns)

Omelette

SW chips

SW Soup

Puft Crisps 3½

Curly wurly 5 ½

Freddo 5

Pink & White 2 ½

Cooked Meat

Pasta & Sauce

Desserts

Cadbury Buttons Treat Size (4 each) (over strawberries?)

Yogurt

Fruit

Strawberry pavalova

Home-Made rice pudding

Today, I’m surviving.

Today, I’m surviving.

I havent wrote for a while, but I feel like I need to get this out as part of me moving on from this episode. I have had an awful week, it just isn’t getting any better. there is so much going on around me, really stressful things in my life. Money, friends, career, family & even the dreaded trauma feelings from historical abuse I suffered, has hit me like a ton of bricks as it’s nearing the abusers release date. It’s overwhelming me, I just don’t know how I’m coping.

Yesterday things took a turn for the worst for me, I recently wrote a post about the physical pain I was in and the problems I had been having with my doctor.. I was finally referred to the right people and I had a hospital appointment, When I got there I found out the reason for the discomfort and the problems I have been having trying to conceive..It turns out I have endometriosis. Which can cause infertility. I was faced with the options ‘try to conceive with a very slim chance and put up with the every day pain and discomfort or we can shut down the ovaries’ 😦

I have another appointment for MORE scans to check out the cysts on my ovaries and see if they will be removed and then I must have laparoscopy surgery to confirm the diagnosis and see if they can remove some of the tissue causing the problems conceiving, this may not be the case, but I am hoping this can be done aswell as the Cysts removed to increase my ‘slim’ chance of conceiving. I was informed after the surgery they would look into treatments for me. Though it doesn’t look good, I’m lucky enough to have been blessed with my daughter 10 years ago but that doesn’t take away the desperation I feel right now, It also means I’m unlikely to get fertility treatments and IVF with help from the National Health Service.

Along with everything else I am devastated, My Fiance (Yes Fiance..I got engaged!) is longing for a child and we now have to face the sad fact that I may not be able to provide him with one. Though he is so supportive, constantly reassuring me and tell me we will deal with it together and that I’m being crazy, he wants to marry me. I believe him. I can see he adores me, as can everyone that knows us personally.  But I know deep down how much a child was part of his plan and even though right now this is OK, will it still be OK in 5 years time If it comes to IVF and it doesn’t work? What then? My anxiety is taking over, I can’t look in ‘the now’ I can’t rationalise.

This has triggered another horrible feeling for me to deal with. I’ve come to realise how I am so attached and dependant on him. We are planning a wedding, a huge commitment that I am totally 100% committed to. But that’s the issue..what if something happened to him? I don’t know how I would live if he wasn’t with me, I couldn’t face this life alone.. even though I found the strength before, I never felt this attached or afraid. I get a separation anxiety when he’s not around, I just don’t feel at ease. The minute he comes through the door everything seems easier to cope with.

Even if we are having a disagreement, I still desperately need him around to feel OK. So now I’m worried in case my life is all going to crumble. I’m not doubting him or our relationship, we are solid. But that’s why this is crazy, why am I this upset and scared about something that might never happen? or might not even be an issue. I don’t want to hold back and keep a barrier up where he is concerned (a typical BPD thing to do) and to be honest its to late to take a step back. I can’t help thinking, what if it’s out of my hands? Im already afraid of the emotions I would have to face.

My head just feels like its exploding. On the outside I am wearing my mask, still going on auto pilot, not crying until I’m alone, trying to act normal, listening to other people’s problems and continue pretending I have everything under control. But I don’t, I have no idea what to do I have thoughts racing through my mind I am really distressed extremely anxious.

I’m not sure how much longer I can do this, It’s got to the point where the self-harm thoughts are coming because I’m so frustrated. I just feel angry and have a lot of self-pity. I want to scream and cry and hide away.. I am not hysterical enough to phone the Crisis team.. is this a crisis? or just an episode? Or a reaction to the build up of negativity?

I keep telling myself that I  have overcome these things before, I survived then and I will now. Thank God that I know how to use the self-help skills that I have learnt over the years, though even that’s a struggle. I’m so agitated I can’t even find the strength or enough focus to use some of my distraction skills that usually help me through. This time I’m running on hope, hope that it’s over soon. I feel very alone, I can’t tell no-one. I don’t know what to say. They won’t understand anyway. How can I explain something I don’t understand myself.?

I wake up on a morning and wait for bedtime, I don’t sleep well but in this state when I’m asleep, it’s the only time I escape my own head.  I recognise the cycle, how it happens, how I feel and what feeling will come next. I’m just so overwhelmed, my feelings are spiralling out of control. Yet, I’m still somehow surviving.