Lately I have been interested in how other people feel living with Borderline Personality Disorder, I read a lot of stories and some interesting forum comments and insightful videos regarding it, so I decided to create a video presentation of my own as a different take on the others I have watched.
I was interested in finding out which traits a lot of people have in common and which traits I personally have that some don’t. It’s not easy for us Borderlines to put something like this together as we feel different every time we go back to it, so I have used information from previous blog posts and been reminded through my research of some of the personality traits & feelings I don’t realise I have because I am so used to them! They (whoever ‘they’ actually are) call this a ‘Lightbulb Moment’ The moment where something suddenly makes sense!
Lightbulb Moment: ‘These subconscious ideas often originate from something we have seen or heard at some stage. It may be something that shocked or disturbed us. It may be a situation that we encountered that we felt could or should be changed. It may be as simple as something that we wanted, but were unable to find.’
See! There I go again, getting distracted, As the saying goes “Creative Minds Are Rarely Tidy”
Here it is in a presentation… https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=FheGkZBDUCo
I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Though I don’t often tell people because I’m afraid of what they might think. I can’t trust people, so I hide it from the world. People don’t know me very well; they only know what I choose to let them see.
You may think I am happy and sometimes I am, but mostly…. I’m afraid, I’m sad, I’m frustrated, I’m angry, I’m in pain, I feel hopeless, I feel empty inside, I am alone
Every day of my life I feel, self conscious, inferior, bored, desperate, anxious and overwhelmed, I analyse everything.
One small thing you say may trigger my mood swings, a song, smell or sound can take me back to a place I didn’t feel safe. It’s not always clear to me why I feel that way, I don’t know who I am, I don’t want to be like this, I just want to be loved. When I get hurt, it’s difficult for me to forget it, regardless of feeling this way; I try my best to find the positives of this illness. Everyone with BPD is different, but here are the things I am thankful for, I am…
PASSIONATE: I have extreme intensity of passion when I find something that interests me
INDIVIDUAL: I strongly cultivate my individualism and enjoy applying my abilities to new tasks
SPONTANEOUS: I do whatever it is I feel I want to do at that moment
CURIOUS: I’m curious about anything and everything, therefore taking more interest in people and in their interests
INTENSE: Every moment of my life is experienced at extreme intensity, experiencing life to the fullest with both the highs and the lows
INSIGHTFUL: Since I have experienced so much pain in my past, I am able to draw on these experiences for the present moment via self-awareness, helping myself and others
EMPATHETIC & COMPASSIONATE: I have super empathy and can have a lot of compassion for those around me, whether I am feeling high or low
CREATIVE: I have the ability to create. This is one of my favourite ‘Borderline Powers’
A memory aid for symptoms of BPD is using the word PRAISE
P: Paranoid Ideas
R: Relationship Instability
A: Angry Outbursts, Affective Instability, Abandonment Fears
I: Impulsive Behaviours, Identity Disturbance
S: Suicidal Behaviours
My emotions are unstable, I feel every emotion that you do, but I feel it with 10 times the intensity, I have difficulty in making and maintaining relationships, my emotional pain is worse than physical pain. I fear abandonment so much; I abandon people before they have the chance to abandon me. I have an unstable sense of identity, For example I think differently about myself depending on who I’m with, I take risks or do things without thinking about the consequences…And sometimes I think its better to feel pain, than feel nothing at all.
Sometimes I am suicidal, but mostly I just resent this life. I feel all of these things at the same time. I do not know why or how to make it stop. But with help and through therapy, I am learning how to cope better. These episodes will get further and fewer in between and I will experience longer periods of stability, I can learn how to better regulate my emotions, so that I do not become out of control, I can learn how to stop sabotaging my life and circumstances and I can learn to behave in ways that are worrying or hurtful to you.
“I did then, what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better”
There is a lot of negativity towards BPD…Don’t listen to it, and don’t let anyone ever use it against you.
I am not a monster. I only do what I need to do in order for me to survive, I did not ask for this life, yet I was given it anyway and I have done my best with it.
Until Next Time